The Diaries of Bethanny Harrington
by jetaimeaussi
Summary: A completely 100% true story based on all of the stuff that's happening right now and my "situation".
1. Welcome to Walgreens

"What are you doing?" Rosy asked, coming up to my counter.

"Just tagging. Hoping to not screw it up."

She laughed "Don't worry, you're still in training. They can't be that angry with you."

As much as I'd love to agree with Rosy, I can't say that what she says is true. I've already been yelled at for balancing my drawer wrong and having my stocks not put on the shelves correctly. And I've only been there for a few days. I was thinking retail wasn't going to be that hard, but now that it's November and not too far from the holidays it's been crazy busy. An endless stream of customers at my register, a mess on the shelves that I am always fixing, and whiny, needy, WRONG customers. Can I let you in on a little secret? The customer is most definitely not always right. In fact, they tend to be wrong. A lot.

"When your done tagging do you think you could go into the stockroom and get some of those razors that just went on sale?" Rosy asked me.

"No problem. Hey, am I working with Estevez tonight?" Mr. Estevez was one of the four managers that rotated in the schedule. He'd been covering for a manager that had been on vacation for a while.

"Nah. Browning is back today. Oh! That's right! You haven't met him yet. He's nice. He's a little more lenient." she piped up.

I nodded, took the sale tags, and started working.

One thing that I always loved about Rosy is that she was almost always in a good mood. The only time I ever see her upset is with the costumers. And even that's on a rare occasion. So far, she's definitely my favorite person to work with. She's about as tall as I am, about 5'3", and although she is overweight she is beautiful. She's not as pale as I am, but she has gorgeous long brown hair and sparkling green eyes that are usually hidden by the chunky black frame of her glasses. She has a sweet voice and a soft soul, but she definitely has a way of reading people. Which often helps with the customers.

Working on tags is tedious and boring. Placing stickers on top of permanent tags for weekly or monthly sales, most of which were going to be ripped off by little kids or oblivious people walking by, is not how I normally like to spend my Friday nights. But hey, I'm getting paid.

The time moved slowly, but I eventually finished all of my tagging. After getting Rosy's razors an announcement came on over the intercom telling me to get to the front. A pang of fear sprung up my spine and I went stiff. Could they really fire me when I just got onto training? And what did I do wrong? My thoughts all scrambled together into thought vomit in my head as I walked up to the front. There stood Marissa, our photo clerk, and a man that was putting on a tie.

"Bethanny, this is Mr. Browning. He's the manager you hadn't met. He's typically here nights, so I figured you'd probably be seeing him a lot and might as well get to meet him. He's going to start facing with you."

Mr. Browning finished tying his tie and stuck out his hand. My hand met his and my spine loosened. I wasn't fired yet. His warm brown eyes looked down into my own. His black hair was brushed back in a way that made him look like he had just woken up, but had probably taken him ten minutes to get it that way and stubble riddled his tanned, angled jaw.

"Ready to face?" he asked with a goofy smile.

I smiled politely back and nodded. "Of course."

Facing is relatively simple. It's purpose is to make the shelves look fuller than they actually are. What you do is take items from the back and pull them foward to make it look like there are enough behind them. We do it once a night, usually right before or right after the store closes so that the chance of it being screwed up by customers is slim.

"So, where do you go to school?" Mr. Browning asked me as he turned a bottle of pain medication.

"I go to a tech school. Biotechnology academy." I answered, focusing on the cough drops.

"You like it?" he asked

"It's fine as high schools go. I've been to worse. I love science and I get to work with some really crazy things."

"Ah. Yeah, I went back to college a year ago. I know how it is. You see one school, you've seen them all." he smiled like it was some inside joke between us. The funny thing is, it kind of felt like it was.

"College is going to be different though I think." I blurted "Or at least I hope so."

"It is. Trust me."

"What are you taking?" I had moved on to the cold and nasal and he was working on night time medication.

"Medical assisting. Although I don't like it much."

"How can you not like that? It's so interesting."

"Well, at the moment we're on terminology. And my professor is a complete douche bag. Pardon my language."

I busted out laughing. I have never heard of a boss being so vulgar and blunt. He chuckled with me.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to catch you off guard." he said, shaking his head.

"Nah, it's fine. Rosy warned me."

"Oh really now?" he said, suddenly a lot more interested "What did she complain about this time?"

"It wasn't complaining. It was more a warning. Of the bluntness."

He smiled and continued working on facing. By the time we got to the cleaning isle we were both laughing at lame jokes and talking about music. He's one of those people who can strike a conversation with you about anything it make it seem interesting. He also was not afraid to share information. He loves music, mostly rock, but he'll listen to anything if it sounds good. He plays the piano and the guitar, but he claims both horribly. He can't stand small children who think that just because he works in a store he owes them something. Best part? He absolutely hates all of his customers and his job.

"You really hate customers?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, hate is a strong word. But yes, I do. Only around this time of the year, though. There's too many of them and they are so messy. They would never do what they do in here at home so..." she turned to me and waved a giant bag of toilet paper above his head "why do it here?"

I laughed at him and shook my head. He's so dramatic.

"I'm serious." he said with a small smile "They're ridiculous."

"What time is it?" I asked, pulling forward some Clorox.

He pulled his watch up to his face "Ten fifteen."

"Oh my God." my hand smacked my forehead "My shift ended fifteen minutes ago. I have to go."

"That's fine." he said, brushing it off "I'll finish it. You go."

"Okay. Thank Mr. Browning! I'll see you tomorrow."

"Call me, Jon."

"Alright. Goodnight, Jon"

I punched out, got my coat, and walked out the front door. The chill bit at my nose and made my eyes water. I sighed and started walking home. When I had finally made it to my front door I couldn't feel my toes, let alone my face. It was a struggle to get the banged up key in the door because I was shivering the entire time.

The inside of my house was warm and I went into the kitchen as I began to thaw. I took off my jacket and pulled out some chicken from the refrigerator. Cutting open the package, I picked up a piece and almost gagged. I don't do well with raw meat or any meat for that matter. I've been a vegetarian for four years now and I do not plan to break it anytime soon. Or ever.

I seasoned the meat and put it on a pan to roast it. Once the chicken was in the oven I took the bag of green beans from the vegetable drawer and put them into some water that would be boiling in a few minutes time. Taking out a small frying pan, I turned a second burner on and put some slabs of butter on it. Once the butter melted I added rice, let it brown, and then added two cups of water. In the end was a complete meal. Roasted chicken, with rice pilaf, and cooked to perfection green beans.

I portioned a plate out, poured a glass of wine, and started walking up the stairs. I knocked on my parent's bedroom door, but to no avail. No one answered. But his was a usual occurrence and I opened the door anyway. Laying in bed was mother, her skin blue from the television light.

"Oh Bethanny, is that you, darling?" she asked, with a thick, French accent.

I smiled "Yeah, it's me, mah."

I went around the bed and sat on my father's side. I placed the food on my mother's lap and helped her sit up. She drank and ate as I held her hand. In case you haven't already figured out, my mother is sick. A few months ago she found out that she had lung cancer from all of her years of smoking. The doctors had told us that with chemo therapy and some luck she could live up to four years. What they hadn't told us is that the chemo is going to make you much worse before you can even think about getting better. After every session she feels weak and susceptible to puking. She's lost probably over forty pounds, which is saying something considering she has only weighed around a hundred and thirty at the time. Her eyes itch and her mouth is always dry. She's miserable and she cries and there is nothing I can do but sit there and watch her suffer.

Today doesn't seem like such a bad day though. It had been a few days since her last chemo session and she had gotten some color back into her cheeks. Her lips aren't as chapped as the way they were before and she ate a good amount of her meal.

"How was work, mon petite chou?" She used the nickname she had given me since I was a child. It means 'my little cabbage'.

"It was interesting. I met another one of my managers and he seems pretty cool. Rosy is as always Rosy. She sends you her best wishes." I squeezed her hands.

She chuckled a little "Tell Rosy I send her my best wishes. That poor girl. Sweet as sugar, but as hopeless as a small child."

My mother had known Rosy for years because my sister had worked at Walgreens also. Rosy was like the fifth sister I had never had? It's a little hard to explain. I laid down next to her and put my head on her shoulder. Her breathing was labored and wheezy. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. Watching someone fight cancer is like watching someone be tortured for months on end as they slowly die a miserable death. There's nothing you can do to stop it and there's nothing you can say to make it better.

"I love you, darling." she kissed the top of my head and patted my hair down.

"I love you too, mere."

Once she had fallen asleep I got up and tiptoed out of the room. To be honest, I do everything for my family lately. I got a job to help pay for my mother's medical bills, I score high on test and over achieve so that I can get into a good college, and I go to a tech school so that I can work part time once I get out and better my family off. I raise my sister because my mother is too sick and my father is working for the same reason as I am and I play mommy.

I have a large family. I am a middle child of five girls, from two different marriages. There was enough estrogen in my house growing up to make Hugh Hefner want to move out. My oldest sister, Hannah, has two beautiful children. My mother is the oldest of seven kids and my father has one sister.

I also have a very messed up family. When you complain about your siblings, you have no idea what it truly means to have issues. Hannah has two beautiful children, as I had mentioned before, but she loss them in a battle against D.S.S. due to her heroine abuse. The grand mother and I take care of them on our days off because the father is in prison, the place where he has been in out of since he was sixteen years old. The next oldest is Ali. She ran away at the age of fourteen to be with her abusive boyfriend. She hated her life so much when she was with him that she developed a drinking problem. Luckily one day she dropped the guy and now lives at home. Unfortunately, she may have dropped the guy but the drinking problem stayed. My younger sister, Melinda, had died when I was young from medical issues. I never really got to know her and I don't really remember her, but I still count her in. Then there is the devil herself. Julia is my youngest sister at the age of twelve. She manipulates my parents into getting whatever she wants regardless of the cost. My family is financially bleeding and she's sucking us dry.

And then there's me. Bethanny Marie Harrington. A grand total of 16 years under my belt, even though it feels like forty. Too mature for most kids in my school and too busy to schedule anything more than a dentist appointment. Major image issues and a complete lack of faith in everything I do, but doing it anyway. Too smart for my own good and too shy to express myself. I'm nothing special and I don't try to be. I am who I am and people have the option to come along for the ride or not.

I heard the door open downstairs and I knew that my father had just made it home. That was my cue to get to bed. I rushed into my room and slipped on some pajamas. I set alarm for ten o'clock, even though I know I would never sleep that much, I still needed to get up for work in the morning. As soon as my head hit the pillow I faded away into the one place that I can find peace.


	2. Free Falling

I jumped the second my alarm went off. I was never much of a heavy sleeper. If there's a thunderstorm you can flat out forget it. I put my feet onto the cold floor and made my way to the bathroom. I never though I would sleep that much, but I was exhausted. I looked in the mirror and frowned at what I saw. I mean, I know I'm not beautiful, but the mornings are the worst. My black hair was out of control and my make-up from yesterday smeared on my pale skin like a paint on a palette. I'm not skinny by any means. In fact, I think I'm fat. My friends always tell me I'm chubby, but I know what I look like. I'm not blind.

I took a face cloth and wiped all my make-sup off, took a quick shower, got dressed in my uniform, and brushed my teeth. I only had time to throw on some eyeliner and mascara when I was done or I would be late for work. When I got there, I was twenty seconds early. I had definitely cut it close.

I was on main cash register which meant even more pissed off customers, more expired coupons, and even less time. On a normal off-season day each cash register will ring up about fifteen hundred dollars in sale. Every five hundred dollars we have to page a manager to come and collect some money so that if a robber was to come in they wouldn't be stealing a ton of cash. Since I had to call a manager six times that means in my register alone I rang up three thousand. I was exhausted by the time my replacement came.

I took my break and drank some tea. As I was coming out of the break room I almost smacked into Jon.

"Woah, sorry, Bethanny. Hey, can you help me with something?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure, what do you need?"

I followed him into the stockroom, where a new shipment of Christmas decorations and wrapping paper had come in. A large ladder was standing in the middle of an isle.

"I just need you to hold the ladder in place. I went up there and tried to get some of the chicken stalk down, but the damn thing was too wobbly." Jon said, hopping onto the first rung.

I held onto the bottom of the ladder. He was not kidding. If I wasn't there it would have been swinging around like crazy. Jon grabbed a brown box from the top shelf. He accidentally bumped a box of coffee flavoring mixes and a box on the end started tipping.

"No!" I yelled and made a dive for the box.

As the box clashed in my hands I heard a second crash, this one far louder. I looked back over my shoulder to see boxes, a ladder, and a huddled up Jon on the floor.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed and rushed over.

Quickly, I got down on my knees and started pulling boxes off of Jon.

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" my hands clasped over my mouth.

Jon started cracking up and groaned "That was not fun."

"I am so sorry!" I said and starting laughing with him.

I sat him up and he groaned again. We both crawled over to the edge of the room where we sat against the wall. You'd think that after I almost murdered my boss with chicken stalk it would be awkward, but it wasn't. We sat there for a while in silence, not quite sure what to do next. I glanced over at him and he was looking at me.

"What?" I asked, still feeling horrible.

He smirked, then looked away "Nothing."

"I don't think I'm cut out for retail."

"Well, what else are you going to do?"

"Something that doesn't involve ladders, boxcutters, money, or fragile people."

"I'm not fragile." he retorted "I just basically fell two stories. Would take a little bit out of anyone."

He chuckled and I had to hold it in not to laugh. He put a hand on my shoulder to steady himself and we both stood up.

"I'm still sorry." My voice was weak and shy

"You still don't have to worry about it." he smiled at me and straightened himself up.

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." he said, taking his hand off my shoulder "If there is one thing you should know is that I am super man."

I laughed "A little bit of a stretch don't you think?"

"Not at all."

He started picking up dented cans of chicken stalk and put them in the mangled box. I helped him clean up, while of course apologizing a thousand more times. After that I ended up stocking the shelves. Every time I saw him he would shake his head and chuckle and of course my cheeks would flare to a rosy red.

When my shift ended I grabbed my coat and scarf and headed towards the front door after punching out.

"Bethanny!" Jon said, walking briskly to catch up with me "Is your ride here?"

"Well, I don't have a ride. I walk."

"Oh." he said, thoughtfully, "Well, if you help me balance I'll give you a ride home."

"Yea, sure, what haven't you balanced yet?" I asked

"Well, um, all of them." He rubbed the back of his neck and gave me an apologetic smile.

I laughed "Come on, let's get to work."

There are a total ofsix registers. Main, back-up, photo, cosmetics, and then two in the pharmacy. Balancing is just seeing what the amount of money is in the machine compared to what it should be. Most registers are off by a few dollars, maybe even up to twenty, but if it's more than that it's a red flag on the computer system.

Luckily, none of the registers were too off, so it only took about a half an hour before we sitting in his car. It wasn't the nicest car, but it was a hell of a lot better than anything I could ever imagine of affording. His entire car smelt of soap, sugar, and a hint of smoke.

"Sorry for the mess," he apologized, "I wasn't expecting to have company tonight."

"That's fine." Nothing was really in the car anyway besides a small map book on the floor and a bag of what I assumed was his lunch.

"So, there's a DGD concert this weekend." He blurted out as the engine hummed to life.

"Really?" I asked, DGD was one of the best local bands. Local or not, they were incredibly hard to get into.

"Yeah. I actually have a couple of tickets. I figured you'd probably be into them. Do you want to come?" he was pulling out of the parking lot.

My cheeks went red. What the hell? Is he asking me out? I dismissed the thought immediately. He's probably around thirty. I'm sixteen. He probably just means as friends or whatever. But even that was a little weird. What sixteen year old hangs around with his/her thirty year old friends?

"What day?" I asked. No matter how weird it was, DGD only comes around to do a concert maybe once a year.

"Tomorrow." He replied

"I have to work tomorrow." Disappointment creeped into my voice. "Sorry."

"That's fine. Was just a thought." He had pulled down my street and the car slowly came to a stop.

I said goodnight and went inside. As I flopped on the couch my mind raced. Do you know how awkward it would be if my own boss was interested in me? Work was already hard enough just trying not to get fired. The last thing that's on my mind is a relationship.

"It doesn't matter." I decided. "He didn't mean it that way anyway."

I flipped on a movie and tried to forget about the whole thing. I ended up falling asleep and the blaring sun's rays is what woke me up the next morning. I looked at the clock and it was almost eight. I hunched myself up and groaned. Sitting on my couch was pretty uncomfortable, so after spending a night on it my back was in searing pain.

I didn't have to be in work until twelve, but I did have to bring Julia to dance. I scampered upstairs and gently opened my sister's door. Both Ali and Julia were sleeping peacefully without a worry in the world. I placed a hand on Julia's back and started rubbing it. Her sleepy eyes opened slightly and she winced under the sun.

"What do you want?" she asked groggily.

"Time to get up, Buttercup. Dance is in an hour."

She slowly raised and her long, gold hair fell gently in a mess on her back. I let her wake up and then got all of her equipment ready. By the time I had borrowed the keys from my father we were already late. That's one thing you can always expect from my sister. She has no track of time. I dropped her off at dance and then headed back home.

I decided to get ready for work early on the count that I had nothing better to do. I hopped in a shower and let the hot water relieve all the stress that had built up in the past twenty four hours just dissipate. I hate wearing the Walgreens uniform. It is the most unflattering thing that I wear during the week. The dark blue polos are always over sized and the black pants are floppy and make your thighs seem huge even if you're a twig. Not that I have the twig problem at all.

I went downstairs and took my medicine. No, I do not have some dire disease that would kill me in a few years, but I am insulin resistant, which means that my body can not digest the insulin that I take in. Which is why I am so… large. The sugars and carbs just get turned directly into fat. There's nothing I can really do about it, so it's not something I typically worry about. What caused it is a disease I have. It's not deadly and it doesn't hurt. In fact, I didn't even knew I had for a long time. It's called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Or, as I like to say PCOS. The only real detriment it had/has on my life is that it made me infertile and I can't have kids. But it is what it is and I live with it comfortably.

After grabbing a quick bite to eat I went to work. It was a madhouse. It always is on Saturdays because it's the day before the weekly sale ends. Everyone tries to take advantage of the sales before they're taken away because they are just too plain lazy to get up mid-week and get themselves a quart of milk. But hey, who am I to judge?

Rosy had called in sick that morning so I had to take up the register in cosmetics. The entire day I had to sit through mothers complaining about how expensive make-up is for their daughters and how it's not even worth the card-board box they put it in. I hate people who whine. Jon circled around the store as best he could to ensure that things were running smoothly. By seven O'clock things had finally calmed down.

"Take lots of pictures?" I asked, with a longing on my face.

Jon chuckled "I will. I'll get an autograph for you if I can."

"You would be, like, my best friend ever."

"You sure you don't want to skip?" He smiled, took off his tie, and put on his leather jacket "I won't tell your boss." He said in a whisper.

I laughed "Smooth. And no, sorry, I need the cash."

Jon shrugged. "I had to try."

"I wish you wouldn't. The offer is quite tempting." I was refilling the change machine.

He laughed, leaned against the wall and sighed. "It's been a long day."

"Says the person who doesn't have to work another three hours."

"So, what are you doing on Wednesday?" he asked, staring off into space.

"Nothing. Maybe babysitting. Probably a whole lot of homework that I decided to put off last minute."

"Well, would you like some help in procrastinating?" he asked with a mischievous grin.

"I don't know what that's supposed to mean?" I said, a little confused.

"Do you want to go out or something?"

My heart leapt to my throat. He was seriously asking me out. I stood there and looked at him. He looked back as if nothing was wrong. I could feel a blush raise into my cheeks and I turned away.

"You do realize I'm sixteen, right?"

His eyes wandered to the ground "I know. I just want to get to know you better. You're interesting."

My entire mind has been shut down. I am now going to spontaneously combust to get out of this awkward moment. I will never have to talk to anyone ever again. Unfortunately, that never happened. He just stood there, waiting for my response.

"Let me think about it." I said, shoving more change into the machine without even caring if it was going into the right spot.

I needed a distraction.

"Alright." He said, "No rush or anything. "

He left and went to the concert. I stood there, thinking and not thinking all at the same time. I was confused, for the most part, but there was a tiny spark inside me that was curious. Sure, if I did decide to try it it could end up being completely awkward at work, and we would be breaking the law, and everything in my life would be completely insane and abnormal, but… when was my life ever normal? Whether he's 17 or 55, my parents are still never going to approve of him. He's funny, and nice, and good-looking. Why should age stop me from being happy?

But then I shook my head and laughed at myself. I'm ridiculous. I knew it would never be able to work out. Even if a part of me secretly wanted it to the entire time.


	3. Completely Incomplete

Sunday was the easy day. No work, so I got to sleep in and nothing to worry about except the kids. Talia, the eldest of the two, has big blue eyes and curly blond hair. Her brother, Brayden, who is two years younger than her has green eyes and his hair spiked up into a mini Mohawk. They're the most beautiful kids I have ever seen and I didn't think it was possible to love a human that much, but now I know it is undoubtedly possible.

"Brayden, stop biting your sister, Talia, stop kicking your brother!"

As cute as kids are, they still try to kill each other and themselves all day. So, when I do get the chance to watch them every once in a while I'm usually spending it pulling them apart and trying to keep them in somewhat near the same condition as I was given them. But still, some days are easier than others.

My phone went off and I picked it up off of the cold windowsill because that's about the only place anyone can get service in my house. A picture message popped up from Jon. He was standing next to DGD, a bottle of beer in his hand, and was sweating like a pig. A small giggle escaped my mouth and I read the text.

_Wish you had come_

_after all. Was an_

_amazing performance._

_The guys were awesome._

_Hagd. -Jon_

I sat down and texted back

_Looks like you had_

_fun! Obviously the_

_music would be good_

_I mean, it's DGD._

_Gtg, tho. Ttys._

A smile came across my face without me even realizing it. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind. I shouldn't like him, I know I shouldn't, but he's making it so hard not to. Luckily, my two little distractions were able to take my mind off things momentarily because they had just broken out into fight over cheerios: round 2.

...

"Can I ask you a random question?" I asked Sam.

It was Monday morning and we had just sat down in pre-calculus. Although I don't know Sam that well, I still trust her a lot more than some other people I hung out with. She was actually the first person I had met when I decided to come to minuteman. Well, her and Jasmine. Jasmine is Sam's best friend and the only time they're not together is during classes and trust me, if they could change it they probably would.

"Of course." she said, sitting down.

"Ok. Opinion, what age difference can two people have who are dating before it gets creepy?"

"Hm. Well, it depends, but I'd say like, eight years maybe. Well, it depends on the age of the couple. Because if it's like some twenty year old guy and a four year old girl, that's just completely and utterly wrong." she rationalized herself.

That's something Sam does a lot. She's always ranting about something or other, but it's entertaining, so I don't really have anything to complain about.

She was just sitting there, just looking at me and waiting for my reaction to her response. I sat there, looking at her, and trying to think of something, anything to say to break the awkward silence.

"Alright." I said.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"I just wanted to know."

"Is there a guy?"

I sighed in my thoughts and nodded. I hate lying to people. Even if it's a white lie, I just can't do it. My face goes red and then everything just kind of shuts down. My mind becomes fried. Much like after I get out of pre-calculus.

"Oh! Who is he?" she exclaimed.

"Shhh." I said, I didn't want the whole world to know "He's my manager."

"Well, how old is he?" she asked, now very into our conversation all of a sudden.

I debated on whether telling her would be a good idea. Both her and Jasmine are pretty open-minded people so, I don't think they'd go run off and turn him in, but I'm not too sure about the entire thing myself. I sucked it in, and decided not to worry about it.

"Thirty three." I responded.

During break after he had left for the concert I was curious and went into the office. On the payroll papers his birth date was printed clearly at the top. Like some number coded TOP SECRET stamp. Something that I thought I'd never tell anyone.

Sam made a face.

"Don't judge me!" I said, desperate for some confirmation that I wasn't completely insane.

"I'm not. Is he hot?" she asked.

Another thing about Sam, she's also very blunt. I had to think about it. He had a good head of dark brown hair that easily framed his angled face. His stubble wasn't enough to make him look like a biker and he kept it pretty much at a five o'clock shadow. His brown eyes were kind and playful at the same time. I almost drifted off into a daydream before her smiling face reminded me of what I was doing.

"Yeah, he is good-looking." I answered, a little embarrassed.

"Then I say go for it."

I smiled "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, obviously be cautious, but go for it. He's good-looking and you like him, so who cares?"

"I guess." I didn't want to commit to anything.

I spent most of the class afterwards just thinking about how I was even going to try to respond to Jon. If I said yes, it would make things completely awkward at work. Well, more awkward than they already are. If I said no, he might be mad at me and I'd have to deal with all the bullshit at work. I mean, if I said no, he couldn't really blame me. I have perfectly good reason. If I say yes... well, then everyone could blame me. Especially the law.

I went through the rest of the day in a daze, just eager to get home. Everything was kind of confusing and a little bit irritating. Unfortunately, when I finally got home I had so much homework to do that I had no time to think. Between English and Physics I wasn't sure if I was even going to be able to sleep tonight.

My phone rang and a dove to answer it.

"Hello?" I spoke into the receiver.

"Hey Bethanny, it's Jon."

Great. Just what I need.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing. I was just making sure you're alright and everything. You were kind of a little jumpy the other day."

Well, of course I was jumpy.

"I'm fine."

"Are you really fine or are you just saying your fine?" he asked.

I thought for a second. What an odd question to ask. For once, I didn't really have an answer.

"Hello?" Jon asked.

"Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm okay."

"Alright. Well, have you thought about it at all?"

"About what?"

Maybe if I play dumb he'll just give up...

"About tomorrow." he chuckled. It was making it hard to say no.

"Uh, yeah. I've thought about it." More like it's been all I've been thinking about.

"And?"

"And... how does five thirty sound?" I held my breath. Did I really just do that?

"Five thirty sounds perfect."

"Alright."

"Alright. It's a date."

My heart pounded in my chest like a drum.

"See you then." I managed to say

"Bye."

I hung up and flopped onto the couch. What did I just do?

"Ugh! This is so exciting!"

At least someone's happy about it, I thought as I watched Sam clap and a few other kids look on with confusing eyes.

"What are you going to wear?" she asked, not dwindling in any enthusiasm.

"I don't know? Clothes?" I hadn't really thought that far out yet.

"No, Bethanny, I thought you were going to go in your underwear."

"Well, I don't know! He told me to dress warmly. So, warm clothes."

"God. If I were you I would have already had everything picked out." she said, looking at me like I was insane.

Luckily, the conversation was interrupted by the math teacher, who for some odd reason decided that he actually wanted to teach math today. The rest of the day flew by. Physics was fun and English almost put me to sleep so by the time I went home I was exhausted. I made my mother something to eat and did some of my homework. Not having to work until Thursday was unfortunately going to kill my paycheck and not my boredom. I went to bed early and tried to will any anxiety away.

The next day was filled with difficult work and awkward questions asking if I was nervous. I tried to keep myself quiet and focus, but it got harder and harder to do so. My mind kept on wandering. My eyes checked my phone every three minutes, expecting a text from Jon saying that he had other plans, that his tire had flattened, or that he just plain came to his senses and decided not to like me anymore. That everything was a mistake and, hey, he's sorry, but he doesn't know what he was thinking asking out a girl like me.

But it never came and I went home as I did every other day. Same old bus ride, same old homework routine. An hour before he was scheduled to come, I looked in the mess that was my closet. Clothes were thrown all over the place and it made a rainbow of soft pinks, magentas, greens, blues, grays, blacks, and whites. It looked like a rainbow had puked in my closet. I started freaking out and grabbed my phone.

_I have no idea what_

_to wear._

I waited impatiently for the text to come back. I was happy to see it didn't take too long.

_But you have the_

_best clothes!_

_-Sam_

I sighed.

_I do not. Help me,_

_please? D:_

I smiled. This time she was a little more helpful.

_Fine. Wear something_

_warm like he said._

_Jeans, a shirt, coat,_

_hat, and gloves._

_-Sam_

I searched through my closet and found what she had suggested. After getting dressed and putting on a little make-up I was out the door. I couldn't have him pick me up at my house because if my father had ever seen me getting into a car with a thirty year old man that he didn't know, he'd be likely to take a bat to it before he would let me get away.

Jon was in his truck at the end of the street waiting for me. My nerves kicked in once I saw him in his little truck and my heart started pounding. I could feel the jitters working their way through my spine and I shivered a little. Once in the car and smelling the familiar smell of soap, sugar, and a small amount of smoke I was eased a little.

"Hey!" he said with a large grin "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," I mumbled, and put my seat belt on, "You look nice."

I had never seen him out of work so I wasn't really sure what to expect. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt, a worn-looking black leather coat, a pair of jeans, boots, and dog tags. His hair was as messy as always and it framed his face the same it had so many times before. I don't remember ever seeing him this close before and I just realized how handsome he really was. Sure, he had imperfections, but even those seemed to enhance his face some how. I realized I was staring, blushed, and looked away.

We drove for some time. We talked about the DGD concert and about his family. I found out that he had served in the military for a while and that the reason he quit was because he was shot four times in the shoulder under enemy fire. I learned that he still wears his dog tags so that they know immediately not to resuscitate him. After a while, a small smirk fell on his face.

"Close your eyes." he said.

"What?" I asked, dumbly.

"Close you eyes."

"No way!" I said, laughing "I'm not good with not seeing where I'm going."

He sighed playfully and took on hand off the wheel and put it in front of my face "Close your eyes or we're going to crash."

I laughed, swatted his hand away, and reluctantly closed my eyes. It was a bumpy road to wherever we were going and it was very dark.

"Hold on. I'll come and lead you." Jon said after he stopped the car.

My door opened and his hand met mine. The cold air rushed into the car and bit at my skin. He helped me out of the car and put a hand on my back. I stiffened a little under his touch, but became more relaxed after a few steps. I could hear water off in the distance.

"Do you trust me?" his deep voice asked, calmly.

I took a deep breath in "Yes."

We stepped on something wooden and the air around us became lighter. I could see light through my eyelids and the hand that was securely on my back vanished.

"Open your eyes." he said.

The first thing I saw was lights. White lights were strung from ropes above my head, they were draped across wooden benches, and wrapped around poles. A table placed in the middle of the area had a white cloth on it. A small glass on the middle of the table held a single lily. And all of this on a small boat in the middle of Boston harbor. It was beautiful.

"I don't even know what to say." I said, stunned.

Jon smiled "I was hoping for that reaction."

I smiled back at him "You really didn't have to go through all this trouble."

"It wasn't trouble."

He took the hand that he was still holding and lead me to the table. I was embarrassed. Never in my life had anyone ever done something so grand for me. He pulled out my chair like a dork, but I ate it up anyway.

"And now," he said, pausing for what I assumed was effect, "you get to see me cook."

"Cook?" I asked.

"Yes, cook."

After much deliberation on what to use he started cooking on the small kitchen within the boat. It smelt good, but burnt. After fifteen minutes he placed a plate of vegetables in front of me and sat down.

"Wah-lah! A vegetable medley for m vegetable-loving girl."

He watched anxiously as I took the first bite. It tasted horrible. The vegetables turned to burnt mush in my mouth and the soy sauce over-powered my entire mouth with salt.

"How is it?" he asked, after I had time to chew.

I just nodded and pretended to have more still in my mouth. He stuck a carrot with the fork and brought it to his mouth. The gagging into the napkin was almost instinct and I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"Oh my God." he said, spitting into a napkin, "That was so bad. No wonder I never cook."

By that time we were both in stitches with laughing. He was coughing and I still had leftover taste in my mouth.

"Luckily, I had a feeling this was going to happen." he got up, walked over to a metal chest attached to the boat "So, I had bought food just in case."

The store-bought food was much better than what he had made, but I give him a lot of credit for trying. We talked about family. He had lost a brother when he was young in a fire and I had told him how I had lost my sister. Losing someone that close to you really has an impact on your life and when you find someone else who has lost something as important as you have you have a sort of unspoken connection.

We finished dinner and he held up a his pointer finger.

"Give me one moment. Okay?"

I nodded. It was freezing cold on the harbor. The wind had picked up a little since we had gotten here and my hair was blowing a little. Jon came out with a boom box. I giggled as he plugged it in and slipped in a CD. The Goo Goo Dolls filled the air and he held out his hand.

"Want to dance?" his smile was warm.

I took his hand and got up without a word. His hands found their way to my back and mine wrapped around his strong neck. I was no longer afraid of him. I did not become nervous or jittery. My back did not stiffen. But my heart did pound. We swayed back and forth to the music. He placed his forehead on mine and smiled. I looked up into his eyes.

"How the heck did that happen?" I asked.

"What happened?"

"Your eyes. I know for a fact they were brown."

"Ohhh." he said, I could feel his breath on my face "I changed my contact prescription. I'm waiting for them to come in the mail."

"I always thought you had brown eyes. I can't believe it was a facade."

He smiled and tightened his arms around me. I did the same. The song changed, but we just kept swaying. For a moment I was just happy to be there, in his arms. I was happy to be alive. The cold air swam around us, but I didn't notice. I was warm for the first time since I had gotten out of the car. My mind raced. It was all too confusing, but I didn't care.

"Can I asked you something?" I was surprised at how little my voice was.

"Mhm."

"Why me?" I asked "There are a million other people out there."

He smiled and I felt forehead move on mine "I've dated girls my own age. I've dated older and younger, but I never really clicked with anyone. I met you and you just had this, I don't know." he paused "You had this look in your eyes. When people talked you really listened. You cared. Every word hit you and then you analyzed it. It caught my attention. Within those first few hours I already liked you."

My heart fluttered. Why did he have to be so honest? I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder.

"I'm a complete mess. Trust me, you don't want me." I whispered against his neck.

He chuckled slightly and rested his head on my own "Messes are my specialty."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm a manager. Messes are my specialty."

His arms wrapped around me and we were hugging. The movement stopped and I inhaled him. His grip loosened and I followed suit. Our faces were centimeters away, neither of our eyes opened.

"I'm going to kiss you now." he whispered.

I smiled for a moment before his lips met mine. He tasted sweeter than he smelt. His lips were softer than they looked. Everything about him was magnified and I felt him all at once. We broke apart, but still stayed near. My smiling face found the way to the crook of his neck. For once my mind was finally at ease.


	4. IC3

"That's so cute!" Sam gushed.

We were both at lunch and I had just finished telling her about the night and how it went. A dorky grin was on my face the entire time. I felt like a little kid who was given candy.

"I know. And he's the most amazing thing ever and I'm so happy you convinced me on doing it."

"No problem!"

"I just think it's going to be so awkward at work tonight."

"Why?"

"Well, I have to sit there and work and pretend like nothing ever happened, that there was no boat, no dancing, no kiss. I have to pretend I barely know him." I sighed

We were walking towards one of the smaller tables where Jasmine was sitting with someone else I didn't know by name, but knew by face. I got quiet. Nobody needed to know about my illegal romance. Or at least nobody else needed to know. They were talking about school, and boys, and a pretty good-looking English teacher we all had in common. I sat there, texting people about random things and hoping that the lunch ending bell was never going to ring.

By the end of the day I was a hypocrite. I had told Jasmine in Spanish, but it was all good, because she didn't respond too horribly. It actually gave her hope for her and her boss at work. In fact, in my eyes they even had a better chance. He was younger than Jon, a nice 25, and Jasmine was a hell of a lot more beautiful than I was. I was almost certain that if she really wanted to she could have him wrapped around her finger. But that's just Jasmine for you. She has that blunt charm to her.

The entire Spanish class we texted back and forth even though we sat right next to each other. The teacher is kind of a dick about the whole talking thing, but he never really catches anyone when they are texting. The teacher is so annoying. His name is Mr. Marino. He looks like he's from the Jersey Shore and it was kind of scary when I found out he actually was. He's very cocky and he thinks he's the God's gift to the world, but in reality he's a crappy first year Spanish teacher who can't keep the freshman at bay and can barely speak English, let alone Spanish. Jasmine asked me questions and I couldn't help smiling. Mr Marino probably got an ego boost. The class was so fun that girl in the corner can't stop smiling! As if.

The bell rang and I took the bus home. On school days that I'm schedules to work I have fifteen minutes from the time I get home to the time I need to be in work. So, needless to say, the only thing I really do is put the uniform on, chug a glass of water, and fix my make-up. My father usually drops me off and then I walk home.

Retail is crazy during the holiday season. People literally push each other out of the way for light up Santas for their front lawns. I never really got the whole Christmas thing. I mean, it probably has something to do with me being Jewish and all, but still. If some large, old, hairy man broke into my house and stuffed food and presents into my children's socks, ate my food, and then left... I just wouldn't let them even touch their socks or the candy. But hey, that's just me.

"Code 5 on Main register." I announced over the loudspeaker.

Within minutes Jon was at my register. I had too much money. He inserted his manager key and his password. His hand met mine under the counter. I tried to keep my face straight as he took out a few grand from the register. His face was like stone and showed no sign of emotion. His thumb swirled circles on my skin and that fuzzy feeling started forming in my stomach. He gave me it a quick squeeze before he ran off again.

The entire night I was motivated to sell as quickly as possible. The more money I made, the more frequent Jon would come. The more frequent Jon came, the better I got at pretending. An hour before my the store closed I was put on the floor and calling on him wasn't an option anymore. My movements were sluggish from lack of motivation. I didn't want to move. I wanted to go home. Facing was boring.

"Attention Walgreens shoppers," Jon's voice came onto the loudspeaker as I straightened the shelf or crayons, "the time is now 9:55. Walgreens will be closing within the next five minutes so please make your final purchases. Thank you."

Finally. Almost time to go home. My feet were pounding. In a half hour I'd be at home, in bed. I moved onto the paper and binders. Nothing was going to stop me from getting out on time. The fifteen minutes flew by. I had finally finished in cosmetics and was about to head out to the lockers to grab my bag when I heard the crackle of the phone being picked up.

"Bethanny to the stockroom at your convenience." Jon's voice rang.

I diverted my path to the stockroom. I figured he probably just needed help with a new shipment or he needed a rain-check on an item that we were out of. I opened the beaten brown door that lead to the hall to not only the stockroom, but also the break room, and the coat area. Turning the corner, I could see the lights from the stockroom down the hall were black. I questioned what was going on, but continued down the hall. I opened the door to black nothingness and held it there.

"Hello?" I asked, looking for any sign of life.

I jolted back without any warning and screamed. I fell on something sturdy. My heart skipped a beat and my mind went blank. I heard laughter.

"You jerk!" I said, gently punching Jon on the shoulder.

He was still cracking up. He had grabbed me by the belt loops of my pants and pulled me into the coat closet, where he was waiting on the floor for me to come by. I landed on the floor next to him, frightened and confused. Of course he would think this is hilarious.

He pulled me into his lap and wrapped me in a backwards hug on the floor. His heavy hands were guarding my stomach and his face was meshed into the curtain of my hair.

"I didn't want it to looks suspicious on camera. This is the only place the cameras don't reach. If someone had seen us just walk into the closet together willingly it would look kind of bad."

"Yes. But me being jerked back into the coat room minutes after you came in isn't suspicious _at all." _I said sarcastically.

"Hey. It made sense in my head, okay? Besides, you know no one ever really looks at the video."

He tightened his grip on me and I placed my cold hands on his. The coatroom was dark, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered at that point. He kissed my temple and I closed my eyes. I leaned back on him and we just sat there for a little while.

"I missed you." he whispered.

"I missed you too." the response was robotic. Like it was known.

"You're so beautiful."

I laughed "There's no light in here, smart one."

I felt him shrug "So?"

Even though it made no sense, it still did. Or maybe it just didn't matter. Either way, I wasn't going to question it. My hands meshed with his and our breathing became in sync.

"What's on your hand?" I asked, playing with a small metal band.

"Ah." he said, as if he knew I was going to ask "It's a claddaugh ring. My father gave it to my mother when they were dating. My father had gotten it when he turned eighteen. It's a bit of tradition in my family."

"And you got it when you were eighteen?" I was twisting it around his finger, trying to see it with my hands.

"I got it when I was ten. My father died, so my mother wanted to give me something to remember him by. It's supposed to represent a lot virtues like respect, honesty, and all that other stuff. They're pretty common in Ireland."

I stayed silent and squeezed his hand. His breathing had become a little strained when he had talked. You could feel the heartbreak in his voice. We stayed like that for a while. Neither of us were really keeping track of the time. We could have stayed like that all night and I don't think either of us would have cared. The only aspect keeping us conscious was the cold.

I sighed "I should be getting home."

"No." he said, wrapping his legs in mine "Stay with me."

He kissed my jaw and sent tingles through my body. I turned my head and kissed his stubbled jaw.

"I wish I could, but I have school in the morning." I whispered.

"So? I do too."

"So, the state marshal won't come and arrest you if you skip. I will, though."

He laughed "I forget how young you are sometimes."

"Me too."

It was the truth. I was forced to grow up fast and that definitely affected the level of my responsibility and my personality. I've already played mother to three children and still am. Between school and my job, I work full time. I cook every night and barely ever see either of my parents. I have bills to pay and people who depend on me. It sucks the kid right out of you.

I felt him take a deep breath and let it out on my skin. His nose touched mine and I opened my eyes. In the dark you would never know he was older. In the dark he was just someone. No age. No height. No past. Just a person. A person who wanted me. A person who enjoyed me. When we're alone, everything is perfect. There's no wrongness to it. Nothing is illegal or judged. It's just us. It's all we can be.

I kissed him without any thought. I kissed him because I wanted to. It's the first thing I had done in a long time just because I wanted to do it. His lips moved on mine and my mind went blank. One of my hands moved to his jaw. The kiss was slow and passionate. His lips lingered before he pulled away. I smelt the sweet and smiled.

"You're so handsome." I said

His chuckle spread the smell further "It's dark in here."

"I know."


	5. Fire and Ice

Waking up Friday morning was like trying to get a brick out of bed. I just wanted to lay there and not do anything. I couldn't even remember if last night was real or not. Maybe I'm just hallucinating and Jon is just some figment of my imagination. A figment of imagination that keeps me locked up in a coat closet until two thirty in the morning.

I did the whole school thing like a pro. Pretend to pay attention and gather every tenth word so that if I'm called on I at least have some sort of idea of what we're talking about. My phone buzzed inside my pocket.

_Do you work tonight?_

_-Jon_

I looked up to see if any teacher's were close.

_No. Kind of angry,_

_actually. Hours are_

_being cut for no_

_reason. Don't work_

_until tomorrow..._

It was true. I was actually confused by it. I know I was knew and everything, but you'd think that with the Christmas rushes they'd be looking for extra hands. Apparently mine aren't good enough. And I know I joke around and I am afraid I'll get fired, but I know I haven't done anything to deserve it. I don't deserve a cut in my hours either.

_Really? That's _

_ridiculous. I'll talk_

_to my boss and see_

_what's up._

_-Jon_

I sighed. I didn't want him getting in trouble because of me and I didn't want it to seem like I was using him. If my hours were cut for good reason, I wouldn't really care.

_George asked for _

_more hours last week._

_They took some out of _

_everyone's sched. I got _

_you back on Fridays tho._

_Starting next week._

_-Jon_

I felt bad for kind of using him. Well, not using him. I never asked him to do that for me. It can't be considered using if they do what they want on their own, right?

_Okie. Ty._

I had noticed that the teacher kept glancing over at me. He was suspicious. It was written all over his face. I had to keep the texts shorter.

_But hey, since that_

_doesn't start until next _

_week, do you want to do_

_something tonight?_

_-Jon_

"Bethanny." the teachers voice rang. "Put your head up!"

My head shot up and I texted without looking down.

_Yes. Gtg. Details _

_after skool._

"You just simply shoot the marble down the hall and take measurements of where it lands with meter sticks and then read the time off the photo gate."

"Oh, yeah. _Simply._" Alyssa had said sarcastically.

I laughed. Alyssa was probably the person I had grown closest to throughout the entire journey through Minuteman. She was the sweetest little thing and the most detrimental lab partner. Yes, Alyssa was funny and nice and smart, but she talked so much we often had to come back during a study period to finish labs. Mr. Marshal didn't really care though, he liked being able to get one on one teaching time with his students.

This lab we had to work in groups of three. So, naturally, Alyssa invited Nate. She had a major crush on him and had since freshman year. I think it's funny how people act differently in front of the person they like because of nerves or something. Take Alyssa for instance. She acts so much happier around him. I mean, naturally she is happier around him, but even I know she really isn't that happy. It's was all just an involuntary reaction.

I was surprised that by the end of the class we had actually managed to get all the data down. We didn't have time to do the calculations, but not a lot of other people made it that far either. The bell had rung and now it was finally time to go home. The bus was loud, as it usually is on Fridays, and it was a long ride.

I had gotten in contact with Jon and he had some how managed to convince me to go ice skating. I don't think he understands what a hazard I truly am. I mean, we're lucky the boat hadn't capsized when we were on it. Ice skating is definitely pushing our luck. Not to mention he knows I can hurt him. The ladder was proof of that. Does he have some death wish I don't know about?

To kill some time I went up sat with my mother.

"You look happy., mon petite chou." she said, placing a cold hand on my face.

"Of course I'm happy," I put my hand on hers "I have a wonderful mother."

She chuckled "You're lying, but flattery is always wanted."

"I am not lying!" my mouth hung open "I do have a wonderful mother."

"Be that as it may, it's not why you're happy."

I bit my lip "Promise not to tell Papa?"

"I don't even talk to Papa." she laughed.

"It's a... boy." I had to think of how to word it.

She smiled "I figured as much. Tell me about him."

"He's hilarious." I started out "He can make me smile when I just want to cry. He's romantic and he cares about what I have to say. He's mature and he's smart."

I took a deep breath. It's the first time I had admitted out loud how much I really did like him.

My mother was grinning now "A mature man?" she asked "I didn't know they existed."

We both laughed and talked some more. We talked about the kids. It was Brayden's birthday in a few days. I was given the task of throwing him a birthday party. I didn't know where I was going to find the time to bake a cake, let alone go out shopping. We talked about appointments. She had an appointment on Monday for another chemo session. Which means that she'll be suffering all over again and I need to drive her. We talked about the weather and how it is supposed to snow in a few days.

I said goodbye to my mother and kissed her forehead. She truly was my closest friend. I got ready for ice skating even though I'm not sure how to. I dressed warmly again and made sure to find a hat. I had told my mother that I was going out with Kathy, but I don't think she bought it for one minute. She has that killer instinct.

Jon was able to pick me up at my actual house this time. One, my father wasn't home so there really wasn't any death threats and for all anyone knows he could have been Kathy's father. We figured it was safe enough. Our original plan was to drive into Boston again and go skating at the garden, but then we decided that it was too crowded and there would be too many people. So he decided that even though it was a little longer of a drive we would go to a place he knew of in New Hampshire.

The entire way to the border Jon sang along to the radio. I thought it was hilarious. Honestly, he had a horrible singing voice, but it was absolutely perfect. He drummed his hands on the steering wheel and banged his head when we got caught in traffic or if we caught a red light. I watched as people in other cars gave him weird looks and I just kept on laughing.

When we made it to our destination it had already began to become dark. Not many people were on the ice and even fewer were sitting around it. The cold gets the best of everyone this time of year. Jon had brought his skates and I rented a pair. It felt so foreign to me. I could have been on stilts and I wouldn't have known the difference.

"I hope you know, I am going to fall flat on my ass." I said, lacing them up.

"Oh, come on. You can't be that bad. Just don't worry about it."

I looked up at him "You have no idea how bad it can be. I have only done this once before, and my father had given me milk crates to keep myself up."

He cracked up before he helped me up. "I'll be your milk crates. Just lean on me. I won't let you fall."

"How are you so good at this anyway?" I asked, taking a few steps towards the ice.

"I played hockey throughout high school." he said, taking a step onto the ice.

I closed my eyes and took a step. This boy was going to be the death of me. With one arm around my waist and one holding my hand we slowly started moving further out on the lake. The entire thing would have been really pretty if I wasn't fearing for my life. Because New Hampshire is farther north it already had a good amount of snow on the ground. A few feet, actually. The mountains that riddled the entire state surrounded us and the partly cloudy sky put everything in a white glow.

"See, now this isn't so bad, is it?" Jon asked, going a little faster.

"I guess not." I was too busy watching my own two feet to hold a conversation.

"Great. Now, I'm just going to gently let you go and-"

"You are not letting me go!" I snapped on him.

His face was contorted in surprise. "Okay then."

I laughed and we continued on. Sure, I was doing fine with support, but God only know what would have happened if I was on my own. We held some conversation about his classes. He was learning about cell and microbiology. He was having some issues with the entire course and I laughed. Microbiology is what I do every other week.

"Stay right here." he said quickly, before I could protest and skated off.

I yelped and tried to keep my balance. I started panicking and put my arms out for balancing tools. He was racing around the entire pond without a care in the world. He started skating circles around me with a playful grin.

"Show off!" I yelled.

His chuckle echoed off the emptiness. We were the only ones on the ice.

"Take a step, Bethanny." he urged.

"If I do that it might be the last one I ever take."

He chuckled "I promise it won't be."

I took a deep breath and took a step. I moved forward and wobbled as best I could. When I opened my eyes Jon was a few feet away with open arms. I felt like I was four. Without taking another step I slowly slid into his arms. He wrapped his arms around me and mine slithered around his torso.

"I hate you." I stated. It was a fact.

I could feel his chest move as he chuckled "Wasn't it worth it though?"

"Nope. Could have gone my whole life without doing that." It was true. I hate not being in control of my own body.

He kissed my forehead "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

We both skated back to the edge, where I was happy to get back on dry land. Well, at least land. I sat on a bench and laced up my boots. Jon was lacing up his sneakers. I was cold to the bone. Not a part of me wasn't dying for warmth. I was tying the last bow when something cold and wet hit my face.

I looked at Jon, who had looked away and started whistling "Did you really just throw a snow ball at me?"

"Huh?" he played dumb. "What are you talking about?"

I gave him an are-you-kidding-me-right-now look. "Don't play stupid."

"I'm not playing anything." he said, trying to keep a chuckle from coming up.

I quickly bent down and made a small ball of snow. He started running. I chased after him, throwing snowball after snowball and missing pretty much every time. He dodged behind a snow bank and I chased after him. When I turned the corner he was no where in site. I looked all around me and so no trace of him.

"Oh, ha-ha, Jon." I said "Very funny."

Nothing but silence.

"Jon?" I asked, hoping for an answer.

Suddenly I was hurdling towards the Earth. I landed on something soft and warm.

"What is with you and tossing me around?" I said through laughing.

"Oh, just admit it." he said with a playful smile "You're clearly just falling for me."

I rolled my eyes "Oh yeah, Mr. Ego. Totally."

His hands were gently placed on my lower back. My hair hung down like a curtain around our faces and my hat laid limply on the ground, knocked off on impact. His blue eyes gazed up into mine. I ran my hand threw his soft hair and smiled. His lips touched mine and I felt sparks throughout my body. This kiss was not like the other kisses. It wasn't filled with care or with fondness. It was filled with passion and desire.

I moved my body closer to his and our lips moved together in rhythm. His hands tightened around my waist and every fear I felt melted away. His breath was rigged against my face. I forgot about breathing. I ignored it. Who needs breathing with kisses like this? His hand were now on my cold flesh under my jacket. His touch and the wind sent chills up my spine.

Without warning he turned us over without even breaking the kiss. Snow fell from his back onto my face and his body pressed against mine. My lungs were burning for air, my skin was pleading for warmth, and my heart was whispering for more. He broke the kiss and started gently kissing my neck. My lungs sung as soon as fresh air hit them. He left butterfly kisses up my neck and back to my lips. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.

His face lingered on mine and I looked up into the new eyes I had come to love. A small smile played on his lips.

"You're shivering." he noted.

"Well, darling, that's kind of what happens when you lay down in a snow bank."

The warmth of his body vanished as he stood up. I took his hand, stood up, and brushed some of the snow off. I grabbed my hat and put it on. His arm found its way around my waist and with skates in hand we walked back to his car. He drove with one hand, his other hand in my own.

I looked down to see the claddagh ring fastened around his finger. It was a chunky piece of metal. A heart and crown being held by two open hands clasped around his finger.

"I don't want to go home." I groaned.

"Well, as much as I don't want you to go home either, going to jail for a kidnapping offense isn't on the agenda tonight."

"What if I got permission to sleep over Kathy's?" I asked.

"Then Kathy would be a lucky girl?"

He wasn't getting it "What if I got permission to stay out for the night. Could I stay with you?"

He looked at me, still a little confused "I guess so. I just don't want you to get in trouble."

I flipped open my phone and dialed home.

"Hello?" my father's voice rang through the receiver.

"Hey daddy."

"Oh, Bethanny. When are you coming home?"

"That's actually why I was calling you. Kathy and I are completely exhausted. Do you mind if I just spend the night here?" I hid any kind of hope from my voice.

"Don't you have work in the morning?" he asked, skeptical.

"Her house is closer to work anyway."

"Well, I guess so. Just don't be late for work."

"Okay."

"I love you. Goodnight."

"Night."

I hung up the phone and looked at Jon. He was waiting for an answer.

"He said it was fine."

"To my place it is then."


	6. Damaged

Walking into someone's house when you barely know them is a little nerve racking. I mean, sure, I had been there once before but that was to just so he could pick up his wallet. The first thing I noticed is that the entire apartment was warm. Probably because I was so cold. Looking around a few things had caught my eye. There were two bookshelves, both filled with books that I not only had heard of, but a lot of them I had read. It wasn't badly decorated for a single guy. Leather seats with black lights and pops of red with a modern flare. He had pictures on end tables of him and what I assumed was his family. And the main thing, it was neater than my apparent, if it was existent, would ever be.

"Wow. I am soaked." I said, looking down at my jeans.

"I find that I tend to have that affect on women." Jon joked.

"Oh wow. You're so lame." I said, laughing.

"Hey, you walked right into that one. I'll put some clothes in the bathroom for you, if you'd like."

"Sure."

He trotted off and I made my way to the pictures. I picked the small, black frame off of the glass table. Jon was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt with his hat turned sideways. He was much younger, probably around the age I am now. His arm was around an older woman. I assumed it was his mother. A huge smile was on her face and he was laughing. I smiled. He's really always been this happy.

"There's some stuff that I think we be comfortable for you in the bathroom. If anything doesn't fit just yell for me." his voice snapped me from my thoughts.

I placed the picture back down and went into the bathroom. He had found me an oversized t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Not going to lie, it was a little awkward being in his clothes, but it made me happy for some reason. They smelt like Jon. After folding my saturated clothing and placing them on the floor I went back out, barefoot into the living room. Jon had changed also by the time I had come out. He was in a white tank top and a matching pair of boxers. I laughed.

He had more tattoos than I had thought. His left arm held the face of the statue of liberty and a few names of people who I assumed were people from his battalion. Colored ink painted a story on his skin and it all led up to his shoulder, where four small scars sat as memories from his past. I walked over to him and flashed him a quick smile. This is the first time I had ever seen him be self conscious in away. It was as if he threw his confidence on the ground with all his clothes.

"Hey there, handsome. Why the sad face?" I wrapped my arms around his neck.

His arms wrapped around my waist and felt warm through the thin fabric. "I don't have a sad face." he said, without smiling.

A gave him a crazy look "Well, you're definitely not happy."

He sighed and wrapped his arms tighter around me. His cheek scraped against mine.

"I'm damaged." he whispered.

My heart felt a pang of sadness. Damaged. What a powerful word. I loosened my grip and gave us some distance. I looked at him. I could see his veins through his skin as his muscles flexed around me. His chest, although had four scars, fit with my body perfectly. His cool blue eyes looked hurt and pained from the death and destruction from years ago.

I cupped his face in my hand "I don't see a thing wrong with you."

"My scars..." his voice trailed off

"They're a part of you. They're memories of what made you who you are now. I don't care about them. I care about you. All of you."

His face was solemn and for a minute I thought he was about to cry. He took me tightly in his arms and held me close. I hugged him tightly. It felt is either of us was to let go the other one would collapse. Eventually, as all things do, the embrace came to an end. He swept the hair from my face and kissed me on my nose.

"I'm going to make you love me some day, Bethanny Marie Harrington." he proclaimed

I smiled and for some reason, I believed it.

We sat on the couch and started eating some fruit. His mother had come over the Monday before and they had fruit salad left over. Jon was really and truly a hopeless romantic. And a corny one at that. He fed me fruit because he thought it was a couply thing to do. I couldn't help but laugh. He tries too hard some times.

When we were finished I told him to sit down and rest. I wanted to do the dishes. After a debate I finally got him to agree to let me do them. He sat down on the leather couch and closed his eyes. When I was done, I walked over. His eyes opened gently with the sound of my footsteps. He grabbed my waist gently and urged me towards him.

I put a leg on either side of him and wrapped my arms around his neck. This will probably be the only time I will be taller than him, I thought to myself. His arms wrapped around me and sat firmly on my back. We were so close and everything was silent. For a second I thought I could hear his heart beating.

I kissed his forehead. Mostly because it was there. Then I placed my forehead on his and let my dark hair fall down around us. I gently kissed his lips. Every kiss with him I think I know what I'm getting into. I think about the last one and assume it will be the same, but it never is. Each kiss is different. Each breath and beat of the heart changes. The feelings and the desire changes. I was perfectly content believing that our lips were made for one another.

His tongue grazed my bottom lip playfully and I smiled. My tongue met his and an entire new world had opened up before us. My head felt dizzy with his presence and his arms stroked down my back. Our tongues danced in a war for dominance. The sweet taste was deceiving, there was nothing but spice.

His hands grabbed my thighs and I yelped as he lifted me into the air. I held on to him for dear life out of fear of falling and he let out a chuckle. I landed on his soft silk comforter and there was almost no time between him and I falling. He kissed me with passion and desire and lust. I lifted his tank top, which fell onto the ground without a thought and he had done the same to the shirt of his that I was wearing. His cold hands sent emotional bumps throughout my entire body as they made contact with the bare skin on my waist and my hands held his face forever closer.

And then, as soon as it started, it stopped. He sighed and took a step back. I laid there, not really knowing what was going on.

"What's wrong?" I asked, a little more than confused.

"I can't do this." he stated.

He laid down on the bed next to me and took my hand in his. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it gently.

"Promise me something?"

"What is it?"

"Promise me you will not sleep with me until you are eighteen. Promise me that."

I was dumbfounded "I promise."

"I can't be trusted to be the strong one in those situations." his thumb stroked my hand. Sometimes its the small touches that give the biggest responses.

I looked into his sideways eyes "I promise."

"Good. Now promise it to yourself."

"What?"

"I promise to yourself is harder to break than I promise to someone else. Promise yourself."

"I promise myself."

"You promise yourself what?"

"I promise I will not sleep with you until I'm eighteen."

His arm slid across my torso and pulled me into him. I curled up like a ball and enjoyed his warmth. His pulled the messed up comforter over us and I sank into his arms. His breathing was a rhythm much stronger than any drum. I never remember any night that I have never felt so safe as I fell asleep.

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the sun. The second was Jon's face staring back at mine.

"Oh God." I said groggily, "That is so creepy."

He laughed and his breath was warm on my face. "What?"

"You were watching me sleep. That's so creepy."

He kissed my nose and wrapped me into him tighter. Everything smelt exactly like him. I wondered if I smelt like him too.

"What time is it?" I asked, not really wanting to know.

"It's almost nine." he whispered.

I groaned "I have to go to work soon."

"No you don't."

"Uh, yes I do."

"Please don't. Call in sick."

"I can't. Besides, who am I going to call? You?"

"I don't work today."

"I know. I'm just saying."

I sat up. The sun was blinding. It looked windy and cold out from his window. Jon sat up just to bring me back down into the bed. He kissed my nose before he kissed my lips and I smiled up at him. His blue eyes looked gray in the dim lighting.

"I really should go take a shower." I said "I feel grungy."

"But I miss you."

I laughed "I haven't even left yet."

"So?"

Every time I attempted to get up, he'd kiss me, sending chills down my spine. Finally, at nine thirty, I threw my hands up.

"Okay, seriously, you're not playing fair." I blurted.

He laughed "I never said I played fair."

I got up ad sprinted to the bathroom. I needed to get ready. I showered quickly, then used his brush to comb through my hair.

"Oh crap!" I exclaimed

"What?" Jon called from outside.

"I don't have a uniform!"

My pants from the night before had luckily dried, but if I didn't have on a blue polo I was going to be written up.

"Babe, are you forgetting something?" Jon called

"Not now!" I snapped

A few seconds later the door swung open and Jon leaned against the frame of the door with a smirk. He waited about five minutes watching me try to place my name tag on my shirt.

"Babe, stop. I'm the manager."

"So?"

"So, I kind of own a Walgreens polo."

He started laughing at me and I threw my name tag at him. He waited five minutes before telling me this?

Jon had dropped me off with four minutes to spare. After punching in, I met Ruby in Cosmetics.

"Woah." she said, almost surprised "This is going to sound creepy, but you smell like Mr. Browning."

My eyes went wide. Oh crap. Well, at least that answers my question.

"That does sound creepy, Ruby." I said, trying to keep a straight face.

As much as I trust Ruby, I don't trust her enough to not report us in. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but she was pretty close with my entire family too, so I wasn't going to risk it. One thing is for certain, work was much harder when Jon wasn't working. I had no motivation or drive t do anything. No matter how many whiny customers I rung up, his hand was never going to be any closer to mine. Midway through the day I was pulled from cosmetics to go onto the main register.

After you ring up enough customers it just becomes robotic. Hi, how are you today? Would you like a bag for your milk? Have you heard of our register rewards program? Empty words and empty phrases fill your brain.

"Hey Bethy-boo."

I looked up to see my oldest sister, Hannah, standing in my line. My stomach twisted in an angry knot and I had the urge to climb over the counter and punch her in the face. But like a civilized woman who wants to keep her job, I refrained from it. The customer is always right, anyway. Clearly. Her smile boiled my blood.

"What are you doing here?" I spat

"I'm just visiting. Was hoping to see the kids, but that never happened."

"Not in Woburn. Why are you here? In my work."

"Oh, yeah, about that... I was wondering if I might be able to borrow some cash from you. I'm just hungry, you know?"

I could not help it. I laughed. I laughed out loud, loud enough for everyone in line to hear it.

"Hannah, you abandon your kids and put them on your dying mother and expect me to give you money?"

"Beth, you're my sister."

I sighed. She was holding up the line. "We haven't been sisters for a long time, Hannah, and you know that. I stopped being your sister the day you gave up your own kids for a needle."

I could see Hannah's pale face go red with anger "I didn't choose to have them taken away from me!"

"You chose to get high, Hannah. Don't give me that crap. You chose to feed your addiction instead of your two beautiful children. You chose not to quit. Now, if you would kindly do me a favor and leave before I get fired, I'd appreciate it."

Before she could answer I started ringing up the next customer. I felt her presence linger until she left. I didn't looked back at her. I just blocked her out. Hi, how are you today? Would you like a bag for your milk? Have you heard of our register rewards program?


	7. Birthday Cake & Give and Take

It was hard to keep my eyes open. After work I had walked home last night at ten to go home and bake a cake. Tomorrow was Brayden's birthday and there was no way I was not going to let the poor kid have a birthday. The cake had cooled by midnight and I frosted it. With a piping bag I wrote "Happy second Birthday, Brayden!". By the time I made it up stairs it was almost one.

My alarm sounded at five thirty. I wanted to take the kids today, but in order to that I needed to pick them up at their grandmother's house on the other side of town before she had to leave for work. Unfortunately, she had to be in work at seven.

I knocked on the door and heard tiny little footsteps running down the stairs. Talia opened the door.

"Auntie!" she screamed, leaping into my open arms, her curly hair a mess.

"Hello, there, beautiful!" I wrapped my arms around her and swung her back and forth.

She laughed as I put her down "Brayden is puke."

"What?" I asked laughing.

"Brayden is puke. He smells icky."

Just then Barbara, Brayden and Talia's grandmother, walked up holding Brayden, who looked a little flushed.

"I'm so sorry, Bethanny." she said "I hate to put this on you, but Brayden has a stomach flu. He's been up all night vomiting, but I canceled my day care for today and I have no one else to watch him."

I took Brayden in my arms and put my cheek against his face. He felt hot with fever. Great.

"That's okay," I said, managing a smile, "I understand."

Getting Brayden into his car seat was no trouble at all. He slept right through all movements. Talia on the other hand did not want to do anything I told her to do. It was a battle the entire way home.

"Talia, stay in your car seat."

"Why?"

"Because we're gonna go to Auntie's house. Don't you want to see Auntie Julia?"

"No."

"Don't you want some yummy pizza and cake?"

"Why?"

"Because it's Brayden's birthday."

"Why?"

"Because he was born on this day two years ago."

"Why?"

"Because... mommy wanted another baby."

"Why?"

"Oh, jeez, Talia! I don't know! Now, get in your car seat."

"Why?"

I sighed. This was going to be a long day. After much debating and a few lollipops I was able to get Talia to sit in her seat for the remainder of the ride. Every so often Brayden would could and start crying. My heart went out for him, it really did.

When we got home Talia jumped right out of her seat and went up to the door to ring the doorbell. It's always been her thing since she was even littler. When she was young she pressed it and was happy with the noise that she always presses it when she comes over. No matter what time of day it is or who might be sleeping. Ali opened the door with a huge surprised face on.

"Talia, my beautiful princess!" she squealed

Talia giggled that little kid laugh and threw her arms around Ali's legs.

"How are you, my darling?"

"Brayden is puke!" she said, with a big smile.

I was getting him out from his seat and Ali looked up. She took one look at him and a sympathetic smile fell on her face. The poor thing looked miserable. I got him into his portable crib as soon as I got him inside and he kept on sleeping. What a horrible day for a birthday.

"Auntie, can we have pizza now?" Talia said, pulling on my jeans.

"Yup. Why don't you go say hi to Grammy upstairs while I order it?"

Talia ran upstairs and I called in the pizza. My mother always complained to me about how she was missing their best years. She missed them and never got to see them because she was bedridden. I pulled out the balloons that I had gotten the night before and tied them to all the chairs around the dining room table. My phone buzzed.

**Two Missed Texts**

_Hey. Heard what happened _

_from Estevez. Do you need me?_

_Give me a call if you do._

_-Jon_

_DUDE. You need to write. _

_Moorrree._

_-Jasmine_

I laughed. Jon was too little too late and Jasmine was too much too early. See, I had decided that things were easier to comprehend when I wrote them down. Unfortunately, I was way too chicken to write anything down in an actual diary where my father could potentially find it when I'm not home. So instead I decided it would be safer to post them on the world wide web where he would never in a million years look. He's kind of computer illiterate. Besides, my mother's therapist had said it was a good idea. Of course, she didn't know about half the crap that goes on in my life.

However, the site that I had been using for my diary pretty much crashed and burned so I asked Sam if she had any websites like it. She gave me the web address to this site that seemed pretty safe. The only thing is that both of them use the site and both of them read every word I type. So, for some reason, Jasmine has become a little obsessed with my life story and texts me every now and again telling me to write more. For the most part she does so when I am at my busiest.

_Jon, everything it fine._

_No worries. I'll give you_

_a buzz later. I have the_

_kids, so idk when I'll be _

_done. Imy. _

_Jasmine, I am busy. _

_I'll update soon, ok?_

_Ttyl._

The screech of Brayden's painful cry tore me from my thoughts. I rushed in to the living room and picked him up from his crib. He cuddled right up into me and I held him tightly. I think he was scared because he woke up and didn't know where he was. Snot and slobber slopped down onto my chest as I shushed him back to sleep. As I laid him down I said a prayer and hoped that by God's will I would not get sick.

I changed my shirt and disinfected everything. By the time I was done the it was noon and the pizza delivery guy was standing on my doorstep. I paid and then fed Talia, Julia, and Ali. I brought a few slices up to my mother, who seemed to be happy to be seeing the little buggers. I sighed and smiled. Things were going to be okay.

Brayden's screech rang through my entire body.

Or maybe not.

I dropped Talia and Brayden off at four. My arms, legs, mouth, and everything else was exhausted. My hair was a mess and my clothes hard all kinds of fluid stains on them. Children were so tiring. Sometimes I think it's a blessing that I can't have them and other days I wish I was normal. But I new normal was never my thing.

I took my phone out and looked at the new messages.

_Are you sure? I'm_

_only a phone call away._

_Or a fifteen minute ride. _

_-Jon_

_Pleasseee? I have nothing_

_better to do. Write!_

_-Jasmine_

I pulled the keyboard up on the touchscreen.

_I really wish I could see_

_you. :( I miss you. I _

_need sleep though. I'll tell_

_you about it tomorrow._

_Jas, I can't. Sorry._

_I'll see you tomorrow._

I put my phone away and pulled out my ipod. Sweet sounds filled my head and I dozed off. Tomorrow was another day.

The morning is always rough, but this week was a shop week so it wasn't going to be so bad. Not to mention that it was a half day. When I walked into the lab the lights seemed harsh. When I had joined the biotechnology academy I hadn't know what was going to happen. I walked in thinking it was going to be a normal classroom environment, but I could not have been more wrong. Last year there was only three other guys , Chaz, Dylan, Peter, and me. By the time the year was over they were all like big, goofy brothers to me.

This year alone three more people had joined. A kid from the computer programming class had joined and decided that he would be happier here. He was pretty smart, which you needed to be in order to succeed in this area, but he was really annoying. Then a girl had joined, which was a pleasant change of pace considering for an entire year it had been only me and the guys. She was really nice and I liked her enough. She was smart, but really needed to try in order to catch up with all of the information she had missed. And today another boy had joined. I had seen him around and the original three boys were pretty close friends with him, but he was a complete idiot. He was only in the academy on a trial basis and I didn't think he was going to last a week, let alone another two years.

I guess I should probably give an overview about how the program works. For those of you who go to a technical high school it might be a little more familiar to you. Well, I'll start off with what biotechnology is. Biotechnology is using living things to help make your life easier. Yes, I do realize it makes us sound like a bunch of parasites, but we're really not. So far this is what I have learned in biotechnology: How to properly use all lab equipment and tools, how to make medicines like insulin and aspirin using bacteria, how to clone organisms, how to find out blood types, how to grow cancer cells, how a pregnancy test works, how to make simple vaccines, how to genetically modify organisms, etc. The list goes on and on. Coming out of the program I can make up to 70,000 dollars a year. After going to a four year college, like most kids who graduate the program, for bioengineering I'll be starting off at 110,000 dollars.

To be completely honest, I hate biotechnology. I adore the people and I love certain aspects of science, but biology is just so boring. The only reason I am even going to school for it is so that I can easily take care of my family, especially my mother. The science I'm really interested in is astronomy, but unfortunately there aren't many jobs open and the ones that are don't pay well. So I sit here and I endure the people who think that they know everything about chemistry and everything about life while I dream about the stars and what's beyond them.

I'm typically pretty quiet during the day. I work on whatever work the instructor gives me while all the guys converse and laugh. I chime in from time to time, but I know my main focus is on learning as much as I possibly can so that later on I can get a head up on the job market. In this business, the more you know, the better your chances of success are. So I sit, and I listen, and I watch, and no one even realized how much I hear, see, and know.

Lately we've been working on learning more and more about the heart. We had to memorize the blood flow patterns all the cavities and what every single piece of it does and how it does it. The reason? Well, later that week we were going to dissect some goat hearts. For those of you who are weak to your stomach, don't worry. I am too. I don't like looking at steak, let alone a heart. But I just have to keep telling myself that it's in the name of science. It's in the name of science.

The bell had rung and we were dismissed around noon. Everyone was rowdy and happy because of the early dismissal and I just hopped on the bus, like any other day. Matt sat down next to me and I passed him one of my ear buds. Matt and I had one of those silent relationships. One day we had talked and found out we were into the same music. The next day he started sitting next to me on the bus. The day after that we found each other laughing at jokes. The next we were listening to music. Now he was a lot like the little brother I never had.

I pulled out my phone.

_Hey. I know you've been_

_really busy lately and I_

_know you're in school, but_

_I told my mother about you_

_and she wants you to come_

_over for Christmas dinner._

_Think it's possible?_

_-Jon_

I sighed. Yes, it was doable, but does he not realize I am sixteen? I'm pretty sure the second I walk through the door his mother is going to know that something is up. Oh well, if he wants to out us to his family he can. Luckily, I'm Jewish. Going out on Christmas is like going out any other day to my family. I knew they wouldn't have an issue with it.

_Shouldn't be a problem. _

_I'll have to check with _

_the pops though. I'll have_

_to say I'm going out with _

_Kathy, but you do know _

_that they're going to see I'm_

_sixteen, right?_

He was working and I knew he wouldn't answer me so I didn't even bother checking. I just sat back and listened to my music and wondered how my first celebration of Christmas was going to go.


	8. To The Beat of Your Heart

"Is this a Mrs. Bethanny Harrington?"

"Yes." my breath was rugged. This call has been haunting my mind for almost a week and a half.

"Dr. Dohan would like to have a word with you. Do you have a moment to hold?"

"Yes."

I sat down against the cold metal bars that overlooked the gym. The morning break had just ended.

"Mrs. Harrington?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have some bad news... the test results have come back and it seem that your insulin is still very high. Have you been taking your metformin?"

I gulped. High insulin was a side effect of my polycystic ovarian syndrome. "Yes, twice a day."

"Well, I have to be quite honest. Your pancreas seems to be overworking to produce more and more insulin. If the metformin doesn't take a reaction soon I propose that it will be invalid within a year, two tops."

I felt my chest start to heave and tears sprung into my eyes..

"I'm truly sorry." Dr. Dohan's voice seemed foggy through the phone.

"What are my options?" my voice got caught in my throat. My whole life was being turned upside down.

"Well, I have you down for a transplant on the waiting list, but you have a rare blood type and this transplant is fairly new to practice. Research shows that it could cause kidney failure, heart disease, and possible strokes later in life for people who get it done early. I'd definitely keep taking the metformin. Although the chances are slim, the best possible result is that it just kicks in late."

By the time he had finished explaining, I was in a full out sob. My worst nightmare had come alive. Who was going to take care of my mother? Who was going to take care of the kids? If I died what would that mean for my family?

The sobbing had caught the attention of my peers. Didi, the only other girl in the class, had come out to the hallway and sat down next to me. She placed an arm on my leg and was waiting with a sympathetic look, watching me cry.

"I'd like to still book a consult with you in order to talk about our next steps. Is there a day that works for you?"

"The twenty ninth." I said, thinking of my schedule.

"How about at four thirty?"

"Sure." I hung up on him.

Didi wrapped me in a hug and I sobbed even harder. Even though she was the newest addition to our shop, she had definitely grown on me the quickest.

"What's wrong?" she asked

"Nothing."

"Ok, Bethanny, I might not be the brightest light bulb in the bunch, but I can tell something is wrong. Not many people cry hysterically in the hall way."

I spilt everything. The family issues, the medical issues, even everything about Jon. My whole life story hung in the air like a giant elephant on stilts.

"I think..." she paused, taking it in "that you should call Jon. I think that you need him right now and that he's going to know what to do."

"I can't call him. We barely started going out. We're not even officially together! I don't want to scare him away with my hysterics."

"Beth, if he can't handle you at your worst, then he can't have you at your best."

My thoughts rattled within my own skull. The lunch bell rang.

"I think maybe I just need some air." I said, thoughtlessly.

Didi helped me up and I felt the tears dried on my face. I didn't feel like eating. I barely felt like breathing. I made my way to where a lot of my friends usually sit. Jasmine and Sam are hard ones to find sometimes, but lately they had been sitting in the brick entrance a lot. Alyssa on the other hand was always easy to find.

"Bethanny!" Alyssa yelped.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?" she asked

I had to hold myself back from crying again "Nothing. I just got some bad news."

"What's wrong?"

She and I sat down and we talked about it for a while. Alyssa was in training to become a nurse, so she knew a lot more about it than I did. I swear she knew the exact right words to say. Much like Didi, she though I should call Jon. I don't know why everything thinks that I'm some dependant little girl who can't handle this by herself. The only reason I'm worried is for my family. To be quite honest, I can't give two shits about my health. I already know I'm a basket case. That had been proven.

After a while all of Alyssa's friends came over. I don't know what it is, but I have always felt awkward when placed in a crowd. Maybe it's because people tend to talk about frivolous things like how hot some guy is, how cute the dress for the upcoming dance is, who is going out with who, and how she is just sooo jealous. Call me crazy, but does anyone care that a new experimental vaccine might be making it to clinical trials for pulmonary melanomas? Do most people even know that North Korea just bombed South Korea with no warning? No. Most people don't. Most people care that Obama got accidentally elbowed in the face and what kind of purse Paris Hilton bought.

I saw Sam and Jasmine sitting in a corner laughing like dorks. I smiled and made my way over.

"Bethy! Where are you going?" Alyssa asked, patting the cold brick beside her.

"I'll be right back." it was a lie. I pretty much knew that as long as the people were there I wasn't going to go back.

"Hey guys." I said, sitting down next to them.

"Hey!" Sam rang.

"Hola." Jasmine responded.

Somehow or another someone asked how I was. I spilt. I had no reason not to. I had no will not to. Jasmine and Sam told me that there will be better days and that I should keep a hopeful outlook. Easier said than done. I was smiling because of them by the time the bell rang for us to get back to class.

I scrolled through my phone as I waited for Mr. Rafter, the biotech instructor, to come up from lunch. Jon's texts kept popping up and I decided I'd take the advice. I didn't want to scare him off, but what else was I going to do? Keep it from him and have him be angry at me for not telling him? That would just be ridiculous.

"Hello?" his voice came through the phone

"Hi."

"Oh, hey babe. How are you?"

"I'm not doing so hot... how are you?"

"What's wrong?" he asked, ignoring the question.

"Um, can we hang out tonight?"

"Bethanny, what's wrong?"

"I just heard from my doctor. I, uh, have some issues. I'm just scared."

"Bethanny, of course I'll try to see you tonight. This place has been crazy though. If you want to stop by after school, I might be able to give you a time. As long as you're okay. Are you okay?"

"I'm alright. I'll live." I half heartedly laughed at my own pun. "But yeah, I'll stop by."

"If you need me, call me. Don't hesitate." I hate that word. Need. I hate being needy. I hate needy people.

"Yeah."

"Bye."

"Bye."

My heart sunk a little. I was hoping for more in that conversation, but I knew he was busy. I could hear the stress in his voice. Mr. Rafter came up and opened the door. Back to work for me it is.

Although I complain a lot about biotechnology, it does give you something to think about when you want to get your mind off something. Like now, we're studying the heart. By Friday I need to know the heart inside and out with no excuses. Mostly because the heart is the organ that we plan to dissect on Friday. My stomach retched at the thought of it. I'm a vegetarian. A cold steak makes me want to puke, how am I supposed to handle raw goat hearts dipped in formaldehyde?

The day was mostly over when my phone buzzed.

_I'm sorry._

_-Jon_

I was confused. What did he have to be sorry for.

?

A few seconds late it buzzed again

_I was busy. I know you're_

_stressed and I am too. That_

_doesn't mean I should take _

_it out on us though._

_-Jon_

I rolled my eyes. He can be such a drama king sometimes.

_It's fine. Don't worry _

_about it. _

His texts seemed to come as soon as I sent them.

_It's not though. You don't_

_have to carry the world on_

_your shoulders. I'd gladly _

_carry it for you._

_-Jon_

He always knew what to say to make me smile.

_I'm not carrying the world. _

_Only the lives of four people,_

_not including my own. You_

_shouldn't have to carry anything_

_I can handle this._

I wasn't sure if it was the truth, but I sent it anyway.

_We'll talk more in 15. Okay?_

_-Jon_

Just as I had gotten his text the dismissal bell rang. I ran to the bus, where I promptly told the driver to drop me off at Walgreens and not at home. Even though it was a shorter ride, it seemed to take forever. We caught every red light and stop sign imaginable. I was antsy by the time I made it off the bus.

I walked into Walgreens and Feliz Navidad was playing. I immediately wished I had never come. Jon was in the fluids isle, putting away stock. His eyes caught mine and he looked over his shoulder into the office.

"Estevez, I'm taking fifteen!" he called, jogging over to me.

His hand grabbed onto my elbow and he lead me outside, back into the freezing cold. The wind was blowing harshly and it caught me straight in the face. I couldn't tell if my eyes were watering or if I was crying. I leaned against the cold brick exterior of the building. Jon looked down at me, his eyes were waiting.

I broke down. One look was all it took. New hot tears sprung from my eyes and I felt Jon's warm arms wrap around me. He hushed me and stroked my hair. I knew I looked disgusting. My hair was frazzled from me pulling at it all day and I would be surprised if I had any make-up left on my face to cry off. His body pressed against mine much like I would picture a father doing to a little girl.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And then some. By the time my sobs had turned into cries, and my cries in to whimpers, and my whimpers into hiccups Jon was late five minutes past. He didn't care. He held me and I'm pretty sure he would have stayed that way forever if I wanted him to. Eventually though I lifted my face from his shoulder. I had made a large water spot on his blue button down shirt and I giggled.

"I am so sorry." I said, pointing to his shirt.

He smiled "You feel better?"

I thought about it. I had been feeling like someone had placed a platypus on my back the entire day. Like I had some large, dead animal to carry around. It was the first time since the call that I hadn't felt it's presence.

"Yeah." I said "I actually do."

His smile broadened and his white teeth gleamed "Let's get you inside."

We kept our distance as we walked in. Jon ignored the enormous puddle on his shirt and I pretended to not notice. Estevez was writing something down on a clip board. He looked up to see Jon walking to him, and me following suit behind him.

"Dude, I thought you were taking a- Woah." his eyes widened "What happened to you? It looks like you dove into a puddle."

"It's a long story that involves a bad driver and a fire hydrant." Jon fibbed "Look, I called Beth in so she could help me on the floor. Lauren can go up front. It's almost rush time."

Mr. Estevez nodded and gave Jon a weird look. I don't blame him for questioning things. Jon and I were on stocking. It doesn't require much thought or much effort. Plenty of time to talk.

"So, basically, you need to find a new pancreas."

"Yes."

"Within a year and a half?"

He was tossing my balls that held caramel covered pop corn in them from a box.

"Yes."

"Wow." he said "Well, what can I do?"

"There's nothing you can do."

"I'll give you part of my pancreas."

I laughed "You're B positive, hon."

He made a dramatic sigh "So, are you saying my pancreas isn't good enough for you?"

I giggled "No. It's just not a match."

"Oh I see how it is." he said, starting to pretend to cry "You don't have to lie to me. I know I'm not good enough."

I gave him a broad smile "If anything, you're too good for me."

Now it was his time to chuckle "That's a good one."

"Browning dial 227." Mr Estevez's voice penetrated the air.

Jon picked up his beeper and dialed the number "Yeahello?... Domino?... Yeah, I'll get that. Are we out of flour or ice yet?... Okay... Yeah, I'm on it... Okay. Bye."

He turned to me "We need to go get flour and ice."

~$%^&*()~!$%^&*()~!$%^&*()_

Ice was easy enough to get. We keep in a large freezer in the back of the stockroom. Unfortunately, the flour was a bit of a hassle. I looked up and saw the large tote marked 'flour'. I was afraid to be within ten feet of him on a ladder. Since Jon had fallen, we had ordered a new one anyway. I watched as he grabbed the tote and tried to take it down. In slow motion, the box had tilted, sending Jon swaying. I held my breath. He grabbed onto the edge of the shelf and steadied himself.

"Wooh." he said, wiping some sweat from his forehead, "That was a close-"

The box had tumbled down and flour was absolutely everywhere. It looked like it was snowing baking materials. Jon stood on the rung of his ladder, mouth wide open, and looked at the catastrophe from above. Every part of me was swarmed in white powder. It was in my hair, my eyes, the air I was breathing. For a second I thought "What a sucky way to go." But luckily it had situated itself on the ground. I coughed.

"Oh. My. God." Jon said from above.

I looked up at him and his face grew into the biggest grin I had seen on his face so far. His laugh echoed through the entire building and if it wasn't for the blasting Christmas music Estevez would have probably come running in. He climbed down the ladder and walked over to me. I didn't know what to do. He was still laughing as he wrapped his arms around me. Flour transferred through our shirts.

"I am so sorry."

"I don't even know what to say to you anymore." I said, dusting myself off.

Without a care in the world, Jon sat down. It seemed like such a thoughtless, simple act. His back then laid parallel to the floor and he moved his arms and legs. He had gone insane. He was making flour snow angels. He pulled me down and I started making one too. If you can't beat them, might as well join them.

We laid there in flour and we laughed at jokes that were never even told.

"I hate the holidays." Jon said, moving flour about the floor with his hands.

"Why do you say that?"

"It makes me so irritable. It makes me feel crazy. I end up doing stuff like this."

My hand found his in the white mass "We're both going insane."

"Baby, I think we're already there."

!$%^&*(!$%^&*(!$%^&*!$%^&*($%^&*()

Estevez had to leave early because his son had gotten sick and needed him at home, but when he came into the stockroom he was not pleased to see the mess we were cleaning. We were, of course, still coated in the white powder, but no one seemed to question it. I was at the main register half an hour later.

The night went by kind of slow. Not many customers come out on Monday nights simply because its a Monday. Once Jon had finished with the last of the flour I saw him coming from the back. Melanie, our photo clerk, was cleaning up within the photo area. It was nine forty and there wasn't much else to do. Jon told her she could go home.

There were no customers in the store and Jon and I were the last of the employees besides the pharmacist. He placed his hands on my stomach and wrapped me in a backwards hug. His stubbled chin grazed my neck and I giggled. He kissed my neck sweetly. I put my hands over his and felt his cold ring against my skin. I had developed an obsession with it after a while, I will admit. I even looked some information up about it on the internet. I was border line creepy, but I didn't care. I liked what it stood for. Trust, honesty, etc. All good things to have.

He turned me around and his eyes bore holes into mine. He kissed my jaw and I felt sparks.

"Jon, the cameras." I said, looking up at one.

"Screw the cameras. No one ever sees them."

His hand took my face and he kissed me. I felt safe and warm and everything I needed right then and there. My hands laid limply on his hard chest. His lips moved with my mind and I got lost like all the other times before. It's amazing how something can make you lose your breath over and over again.

"Ahem."

My head whipped around and I was face to face with my English teacher. Mr. Gray stood there with a prescription and chocolate in hand. He had no emotion on his face, but that didn't say much because he normally didn't. My heart stopped. He put the chocolate down and walked out of the door, slightly tripping on the door mat.

"Oh my God." I whispered.

"It's not like he's going to tell management." Jon said, simply.

"Do you know who that is, Jon?" I freaked out and spun back around to look at his face.

"Um, no."

"That's my teacher, Jon. My teacher!"

"Calm down. For all he knows I could be seventeen."

"You have a full sleeve tattoo and a five o'clock shadow! You do not look seventeen!"

"Calm down, babe. Maybe, uh... Maybe he didn't notice."

I looked at him like he was some kind retarded. Maybe he didn't notice? He looked scared.

"Look, I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"Tell me I can go crawl into a ditch."

"You can go crawl into a ditch."

"Not funny."

I sighed. Jon picked up the pager.

"Attention Walgreens shoppers! The time is now 9:58. Walgreens will be closing in two minutes. Please make your final purchases."

"No one is in the store, Jon." I groaned.

He laughed "Maybe your math teacher is."

I glared at him. He wasn't taking this seriously.

"Too soon?" he asked.

"Too soon."

!$%^&*(!$%^&*$%^&*(&*^%$$%

We had cleaned up the rest of the flour, balanced all of the registers, and faced the front of the store. I was exhausted. Jon took my hand we made our way to the car. I didn't want to go home so I left a message on the table telling them I would be sleeping at Alyssa's and not to worry. I'd make on time to school tomorrow. That we had a huge project due soon. I grabbed a bag and packed some clothes and we were off.

It's about a twenty minute drive to Jon's apartment. When I had got there, I plopped my book bag on the ground. Jon smiled, threw his car keys into the small bowl on his counter, and went to hop in a shower. I walked around, a small trail of flour being left behind with every step. I traveled into his bedroom. I didn't feel as weird being there anymore. I had become comfortable around Jon and his surroundings. All of his furniture was pretty modern and his palette wasn't boring, but it wasn't overly colorful. There were masculine touches all around. A beer coaster here, a football jersey there.

Something shiny caught my eye as I walked around the bed. I went to investigate. On a small stand in the corner of the room was a black acoustic guitar. It's strings were what had caught my eye. I touched the smooth surface and pulled it off of it's stand. It looked beautiful. The wood was heavy in my hands. I sat down on a wooden chair and plucked at the strings. I had learned to play guitar a long time ago, but had dropped it since then. I still remembered a little, but it wasn't much.

Jon opened the door and steam poured out from the bathroom. With a towel wrapped around his waist he came in. His hair was wet and I smiled. He really was handsome. He slipped boxer shorts on like a pro and the towel fell to the floor. He looked over at me, his dark hair looked pale against his skin. He motioned for me to give him the guitar.

His hands took the wood out of my mine and he sat down. He cleared his throat and a melody of strings was plucked. I had heard this song before, I knew I had, but I couldn't remember where. And then it struck me. It was the second song that had played when we were on the boat. A smile creeped onto his face and he sang.

"It's three in the morning and I'm still not sleeping,

Because I'm finally running your race.

These mountains you've been climbing seem like they have steepened,

Since I decided to pick up the pace.

If the whole world told me I should disappear, could I fall right next to you?"

His chest moved as he took a breath and he began the chorus.

"Just let me burn the night away,

Oh baby let me burn the night away,

By thinking of the simple things you say to me,

that get me through the day.

You keep me wide awake..."

He had stopped singing and put the guitar down. He smiled at me.

"It's been forever since I played that thing."

"You'd never be able to guess that." I said, sitting next to him on the bed. His voice was beautiful. "What's the song called?"

"Lame and unoriginal, but Burn the Night Away I think. I don't know. I have it on my ipod somewhere."

I smiled "I like it."

He looked down "You should hop in the shower."

I picked up my bag and made my way into the bathroom. The air was still humid and warm. His smell lofted through the entire room. I quickly took a shower. It was kind of disgusting. The flour turned to a clammy mess when the water hit it. It took three washed before it was all out of my hair. When I finished I got into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt.

When I opened the door, my hair was wrapped in a towel. Jon was at his small table and was smoking a cigarette. Even though I knew he was a smoker it was always weird to see him sucking on one. He saw I was out and smushed it down on a glass ash tray.

"Sorry. I didn't think you'd be out this soon." I knew he didn't like smoking in front of me. Second hand smoke and everything.

"You worry far too much, dear."

He pulled me down onto his lap and my hands wrapped around him like it was instinct. I kissed him and he tasted like smoke. Do you know how some people say kissing a smoke is like kissing an ash tray? I have no idea what they're talking about. Jon tasted smokey, but it wasn't the most dominant taste. I kept kissing him. The kisses were slow and tired and happy and sad all at the same time.

I grabbed his hand and lead him into the bedroom where we both collapsed into his bed. After getting under the sheets his arms wrapped around my torso and I had a flashback from earlier at the counter. His warm breath spread across my neck. His lips grazed my shoulder. My hands were on his, his ring clanging against my bracelet. I felt sad, thinking that I had to keep my happiness a secret. That none of this could be shared with anybody but the few people I truly trust.

"What's the matter?" his voice was warm and inviting.

"I'm dying, Jon."

"You're not dying. I'm not going to let you. Just you wait, Bethanny Marie Harrington. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Things seem bad now, and I know you're scare but I'm going to be right here throughout everything. We're going to beat this."

I closed my eyes. I hate needy people. I really do. I hate how they are dependant. How easily they are broken. How they crumble under pressure. I turned to face him. I held back tears and talked past the lump in my throat.

"I need you, Jon."

He wrapped me up in him and held me. He kissed my face and protected me. He was there and I believed for every moment that he was going to stay. He looked into my eyes. He held the stare and I felt calm. I felt happy just to be in his life.

"I love you." he whispered.

My heart beat jumped "I love you too."

He kissed me and we held each other as we slept, not ever wanting to wake up again. I dreamt of him that night. That's all that mattered.


	9. Stepping Into the Ring

**I groaned. My entire stomach felt heavy like something bad was going to happen. Jon had made me go to school, no matter how much I begged him not to. It seemed like there was never enough time and too much time all at the same time. If that makes any sense. Which I know it doesn't.**

**The day went by slowly and by the time it got over I was exhausted. **

**Jon had planned on picking me up and just as he said he was there. My father had taken my mother to chemo and we had an hour so we hung out inside. As we sat on the couch, I held Jon's hand. **

**"What are we doing, Bethanny?" he asked me, looking into my eyes. **

**"What do you mean?"**

**"Do you think we can really hide this from everyone forever?" he asked.**

**It wasn't meant as mean, but it kind of hurt. I felt like a parasite to his life within those couple of words.**

**"Well, not forever, but until I'm eighteen, yes."**

**Jon sighed "I don't know."**

**"What do you mean you don't know?"**

**"Keeping this whole thing a secret. It's hard."**

**"Well, no one ever said it would be easy."**

**"I just wonder if it's going to be worth it."**

**What the hell was he saying? My heart dropped and I felt like I was going to throw up. What happened to last night? What happened to I love you? How can he say it's not worth it? It's only a year and a half. He's already ready to give up.**

**"Are you kidding me?" I asked, letting go of his hand.**

**"What?"**

**"Don't what me. You just completely said you don't know if it's going to work out."**

**"Well, I don't. I mean, a week from now we could be broken up. Or it could be six years. The fact of the matter is I'm worried. I'm looking for a soul mate, not just a fling."**

**"You don't think this is just as hard for me?" my mouth dropped "You have to remember I'm sixteen. I'm not even thinking about soul mates. I'm thinking about college and how to pay for a car."**

**"I'm in this for the long run, Beth. That's the thing. I didn't mean anything by it. Just forget about it. You wouldn't understand."**

**"Oh." I said, getting angry "I wouldn't **_**understand?**_**"**

**"That's not what I meant and you know it."**

**"That's what you said!"**

**"It's just harder for me, okay?"**

**"How the hell is it harder?" I didn't even notice my voice raising**

**"What is management finds out? Sure, you'll lose a part time job. You'll lose a few hundred dollars a month. It's not that simple for me. I lose my job, Beth! My living! And along goes the apartment, the car, the bills, the heat, the food. You just, wouldn't understand." Between hand movements his voice rose. I was in shock.**

**My voice was at a deadly whisper. "Yes. I lose a few hundred a month. But I lose the few hundred a month that keeps my mother alive. I miss an entire chunk of my process that helps me live. And then, on top of it all, I lose you. But apparently only one of is worried about that part."**

**I know if you're reading this you might think I'm being kind of... well, for lack of a better term, a bitch. He just doesn't realize that he effects my life too. It's not just a one way street, nor should it be. That's the whole point of a relationship, right? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm wrong. But right now I don't care. He's treating me like a child. Yes, I know I'm far younger than him. And yes, he has years on my that I haven't even lived through yet, but he has no right to tell me I'm not living life.**

**I got up "Let's just go to work."**

**I didn't even look him in the eyes the whole ride to work. I was too afraid that if I did I would want to punch him and it would result in a car crash where we would both die a horrible and painful death. So, I decided against it. His fingers tapped annoyingly against the leather steering wheel. His breath was audible. It pissed me off. If you couldn't tell already, when I get angry at someone everything they do just becomes annoying. It's just something that happens and I don't know if it only happens to me, but it does. **

**He pulled up, and I got out, and booked it into the building. Ruby gave me an off look as I walked in and then gave Jon an off look. She was confused, but what else was new? I punched in, hung up my jacket, and went to the front. I was scheduled to be on main. Main was the worst place to be on the holidays. You typically have the longest lines and the most amount of problems. There's always some customer that wants fourteen small Christmas ornaments and thirteen coupons. I hate coupons. For the love of God, just pay full price. **

**I paid extra attention to my customers today just that I wouldn't have to pay attention to a certain manager who seemed to be lurking all day. He would walk by, stop, and then stare at me for ten seconds, walk away. He did this probably seven times an hour the entire day. Half way through my shift my phone buzzed.**

_**Have you gone on**_

_**break yet?**_

_**-Jon**_

**After ringing up a few more customers I replied.**

_**You know I haven't.**_

**A few minutes later low and behold...**

_**Call Karen to the front.**_

_**Meet me in the coat**_

_**closet?**_

_**-Jon**_

**I laughed. And then I got angry. Don't make me laugh when I'm mad at you!**

_**Sorry. Just realized**_

_**how creepy that sounded.**_

_**-Jon**_

**"Karen to main, please. Karen to main." my voice boomed out over the store.**

**$%)(*&^%$$%^&*(^^%$&)^**

**Walking into the coat closet was like walking into a cold dungeon. No windows, dim lighting, one heavy metal door, and it smelt really bad. Much like moth balls mixed with old socks. Wasn't exactly the most romantic place, but it did bring back good memories. Jon was leaning against a wall, looking kind of cold.**

**"I think I might only take fifteen so what is it?"**

**"I don't like fighting with you. In fact, I can't stand it."**

**"Thanks for the update. Should I go back to work now, Mr. Browning?" I was trying to be cold and I think I was doing a good job. I don't know. I don't normally do this kind of thing, so don't judge me.**

**"Beth, don't be that way. Mr. Browning was my father, I'm Jon. The lovable jokester that is your boyfriend. The guy who loves you and wants to make this work. The guy that has a big mouth and an even bigger head."**

**I hate him. I truly do. Here I am, trying to be all angry and whatnot and he's making me want to hug him. He doesn't play fair at all. His hand reached out for my own and I reluctantly took it. Him, taking this as a good sign, wrapped his arms around me.**

**"I'm still angry at you."**

**"I know you are."**

**His arms tightened and I sighed. We both knew it was a lie. I was never good at holding a grudge. I was never good at pretending to be angry. I'm not good at lying. It's one of my many downfalls. He rubbed my back and I felt my anger go away. I didn't even bother trying to hold on to the anger. It would come back eventually. **

**As for the rest of my break, I ran around Walgreens collecting all the materials to bake cookies. Six dozen of them in fact, because after I got out of work at ten o'clock I had to go home and bake, because the guys and teachers in biotech decided that the next day they wanted to have a holiday party. And they expected me to bake cookies. After grabbing all the ingredients, I stuck them in Jon's office. I was probably going to be up until midnight baking freaking cookies. This day just gets better and better.**

**By the end of the night I was exhausted. Jon had left an hour earlier than me so a ride home wasn't an option. I think he knew that I needed my space anyway. Walking home sucked, that's for sure. It was getting colder and colder with every day that passed. When I got inside my house it was nice and warm. I got out a giant bowl and got to work. In hindsight, it probably would have been smarter to have done individual batches because there was so much dry ingredients compared to the wet ones. It was like trying to make cement out of a bucket of dirt and a teaspoon of water. It just wasn't going to happen, and yet it did. I would also like to comment that I think it's disgusting that the recipe calls for an entire pound of butter. Yeah. I wanted to puke too. My mother told me it's a good moisturizer though.**

**With dozens of cookies, festive bags, and ribbon everywhere I decided that at two thirty it would be a good idea to get some sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.**

**^&*(*$$$%$))(&(^)*&**

**"Alwayys, always you are with me.**

**Alwayys, always you are with me."**

**My phone lit up right next to my face, blinding me with a bright white light. I looked down and after my eyes adjusted I was **_**Unknown Caller **_**followed by a number. I sighed. I figured it was my sister. She often calls me from unknown numbers because she's usually out on the streets. I pressed the green button and groaned.**

**"Hello?"**

**"Hey baby..." It was Jon**

**"Why are you calling me? Actually, let me rephrase. Why are you calling me at three in the morning?"**

**"I need a favor."**

**So, to make this short, I will tell you the background story. Three days ago Jon had gone and made copies of his keys as a precaution to not locking himself out of his car, apartment, or the store. Well, because he was excited he locked his apartment up, which he doesn't usually do because he lives in a gated community. So he went to go start his car, and closed the door behind him. After walking up four stories to wait for his car to warm up he tried to open his door, which on every other day would have been open, but not today. He then figured he'd just take his house key off of his car's copy. So, he runs down four stories to get into his car, which had automatically locked when he had shut it. And now he's calling me at three in the morning hoping I can call triple A for him, because he doesn't want to waste his quarters on a payphone because he left his phone on his kitchen counter.**

**I call triple A, who then asks for his account number and I click over to his call, which was waiting and ask him to give it to me.**

**"Yeah," he said as a rumbling noise goes by "I have it right... Oh crap."**

**"What?"**

**"I put the number on my key chain because I figured if I ever got broken down, chances are I would have my keys with me..."**

**"So basically, you have nothing."**

**"I have nothing."**

**"And there is no way for you to break into your car or your house."**

**"Pretty much."**

**I sighed "Alright, I'm on my way."**

**I got up and got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I whipped my coat on and warmed up my father's car. It takes about twenty minutes to get to where Jon lives. When I pulled up Jon was sitting on the building's steps, wearing nothing but jeans and a blue button down shirt. He looked so cold. He hopped into the car and I blasted the heat. He was shivering. I pulled one of my dad's sweatshirts from the back seat and gave it to him. He thanked me and put it on. I felt so bad for the poor guy. He would have froze to death if I was any later. **

**He put his hand in mine and it felt like ice.**

**"You're so warm." he said with his lip quivering**

**"No, darling, you're just freezing."**

**"I know."**

**"You're also an idiot."**

**"I know."**

**"It's kind of comical."**

**"I know."**

**I wrapped both hands around his and put my car in park. My forehead was against his and some color started to come back into his face. His tired eyes looked gratefully into mine. I kissed his cool cheek.**

**"Thank you." he said.**

**"For the kiss or the ride?" I asked with a smirk.**

**"Both."**

**I put the car in drive and we started off. I drove another forty minutes to take him to triple A, my hand hadn't left his once. On the way there he had fallen asleep. I giggled a few times. See, I notice the small things about people. It's kind of my thing. The good part about it was that I got to experience and love things that people don't even know about. Take Jon's sleeping for example. Jon talks in his sleep. At first, I thought it was just noises. Mumbles with not point or significance. But if you're patient enough and quiet enough you can make out what he says from time to time.**

**It took Jon twenty minutes to validate that he is who he says he is to the man who was at the desk. Jon just didn't want his car running all day while he was at work because then he would have no way of getting gas for it later on. Finally, the man agreed to dispatch a truck over there to shut it off and bring the keys to his work. **

**After that was taken care of I had to drive all the way back to the town I lived in. I got out of the car and walked Jon to the front door of Walgreens. Luckily, the pharmacist who was there had a key to open the store up and had let us in. Before I go any further I would like to say that the pharmacists scare me. They are completely shy and quiet beings, but they are truly observing. They watch every single little thing you do, but they never talk about it. I often wonder if they all talk about things and people during break, but even then I would think it's a stretch.**

**Jon wrapped me up in his arms and I did the same. I loved his smell, but the way it mixed with my father's sweatshirt just wasn't right. He gave me a tight squeeze and let me go.**

**"I love you."**

**"That's because I just saved your ass."**

**"Nah. I love you because of you. And that's the only reason."**

**I stood on my tippy toes and gave him a quick kiss. If I didn't leave then I would have been late for school. As I walked out the sun was rising. It gave the world around me a slight orange glow. The cold, crisp air helped wake me up a little. Although the day was just starting for most people, I had already gone through more work than I normally do. I parked the car, grabbed my bag from inside and made it to the bus stop. As I had put my bag down, the bus had pulled up. Great. I could already tell this day was going to be hell.**

**Between yawning like crazy and trying to not kill myself with the lad equipment we had a small holiday party. Everyone ordered Chinese food (minus the freshman) and I gave everyone their cookies, which probably came out burnt anyway. We played video games and laughed. Didi didn't come in that day, which made me kind of sad, so I ended up giving her cookies away to Alyssa, who didn't seem to mind.**

**By the time the lunch break came around I was about ready to pass out. I went outside to get some fresh air so that I might be able to stay awake for the rest of the day and I found Sam and Jasmine. Now, I know some readers might think they know what kind of people Sam and Jasmine are, but I assure you, you are wrong. They are sweet and kind, but they have a weird spot to them. Sam has an obsession with military men, which is actually quite hilarious since our school is pretty much on a military base. You could walk to it from our school. As far as Jasmine, she's just physically awkward. I don't mean that she has a giant boil on her face or anything, it's just the things she does. For instance, she has no problem going up behind a perfect stranger and air humping their backside. Yeah. That kind of physically awkward. I love them all the same though. **

**I spent my lunch period talking to them about what had happened the night before with the fight and then the whole driving thing. My phone buzzed. Jon had officially memorized my lunch schedule.**

_**Can we hang out tonight?**_

_**-Jon**_

**"Tell him no. Go home and take a nap!" Sam said, seeing how tired I was**

**"Tell him to let you sleep on it." Jasmine started cracking up laughing.**

**Before I could answer my phone buzzed again.**

_**Nothing too big. I know**_

_**you're tired and so am I.**_

_**Just some soup and a **_

_**movie at my place?**_

_**-Jon**_

**I let Jasmine and Sam glance at the text. They both agreed. **

_**Fine. But I'm warning**_

_**you, there's a good chance **_

_**I'm going to end up falling**_

_**asleep.**_

**As usual, it didn't take long for him to get back.**

_**Alright. I'll pick you up**_

_**at six.**_

_**-Jon**_

**The bell rang and I lingered outside for a while. It might have been cold, but the sun was gleaming brilliantly and warmed my skin. Jasmine and Sam went back to shop. Eventually I went back upstairs. I sat in a reclining lab chair and put my feet up. Even though I didn't mean to, I fell asleep.**

**The final bell is what woke me up. I rushed down the stairs and to my bus.**

**"Oh crap!" I said as I had got onto the bus.**

**"What?" Max asked**

**"Can you run and get me something?"**

**Basically, because I had zero time to prepare for my departure from the school I had forgotten a model heart that I had gotten for Jon, who had a major presentation going on in a few days on Monday. So Max, being the complete sweetheart he is, ran all the way up three flights of stairs to grab my heart. It was symbolically funny in a way. When he got back onto the bus I grabbed the heart with vigor and thanked him by giving him my left over Chinese food.**

**Once I got home the first thing I did was fall directly onto the couch. I was exhausted. I slept until five thirty. I felt better when I woke up and I was actually looking forward to tonight a little bit. Although I wasn't going to let him know that. I put some make-up on, which I had failed to do this morning, and put up my hair. My parents were out at an appointment and Julia was sleeping over a friends house. When the doorbell rang I let Jon in. **

**I hopped on the computer for a little bit and Jon and Alyssa talked for a while. She was stroking Jon's ego a little bit in the conversation. She was talking about how "uber hot" he was and how I was lucky. Jon, being just as tired as I was and being a male, took this as an opportunity to show off. He grabbed my little sister's cheerleading trophy and began to act out crying.**

**"And I'd like to thank the academy..." he said, wiping a non-existent tear from his cheek.**

**"Okay, Mr. Ego, hold your horses. You're not all that great." I said with a smirk. **

**"Oh really?"**

**He came over and put a hand on either side of me and leaned down. I heard his dog tags jingle against one another in the space between his shirt and his chest. **

**"Really." My eyes were locked on his and I was trying not to smile.**

**He leaned in closer and kissed me. I kissed him back. He tasted like peppermint, probably from the candy cane he was eating when he walked in, and sweeter than normal. His hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to my feet. We walked backward, falling over shoes and toys from the kid's day and we fumbled onto the couch. I fell on top of him and our kiss was broken.**

**"So, what was that about me not being all that great?" he asked with a smirk.**

**"Oh, shut up."**

**I kissed him again and again. I hated being angry at him. I hated being anything but loving towards him. And I hated him for it. My legs were bent up and he was holding me closer and closer still. I broke our kissing streak and kissed his nose. He chuckled.**

**"You're such an odd girl."**

**I laid my head on his chest "I love you."**

**He rubbed my back and I could hear his steady heartbeat "I love you too."**

**We laid there for a while, enjoying each other's company. I listened as his heart beat went from fast to slow and as his breathing went from stressed to even. **

**"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked, not even lifting my head from his chest. **

**He kissed the top of my head "I wanted to talk about us."**

**"What about us?"**

**"What do you think is wrong with our relationship?" he asked**

**"Well, the blaringly obvious is the age."**

**"Besides that."**

**"I don't know. I don't think there's much wrong. Why?"**

**"I just want you to be happy. I want to make sure you're happy."**

**"I am happy."**

**"Are you really, though?"**

**"I mean, do I think we're moving too fast? Of course. I'm falling in love with you faster than an elephant from an airplane, but I'm enjoying the fall. If anything we need to slow it down. But that's about it. I'm happy just being with you."**

**He squeezed me and I nestled into him. Things were going to work out for the better. I had this feeling that everything was going to be alright. **

**"Ready to head to my place?" He asked.**

**I nodded. And just like that, everything was put back together again.**


	10. Promises

"That's fucking hot." I had burnt my mouth on my broccoli and cheese soup.

"I'm sorry, babe, if you need to look away. I tend to have that effect on people."

I kicked him gently "You have such a big head."

He smirked and took a spoon full of soup before fanning his own mouth. He was wearing a sombrero. Why you ask? We were going to the soup place at the mall, just to pick up a couple of cups and I looked in the backseat of his truck. Sitting on the seat was a straw sombrero, a pair of wooden clogs, and a small wooden guitar.

"What the hell is that?" I asked, taking the sombrero in my hand.

"It's a long story." Jon had said, brushing me off.

"We have time."

"Well, remember that military ball the other day? Well, we were completely smashed. Well, I wasn't, but Matt was. We were going down route one and there was this little Hispanic guy, I think his name was Juan but I don't really remember, who was on the side of the road wearing a poncho and all that stuff. Matt yelled at me to pull over and I was afraid that he might take the wheel if I didn't, so I did. Matt convinced him to get in the car and he ended up going to the party with us. This kid, didn't speak a word of English, but managed to hook up with my commanding officer. I give the little guy props. Unfortunately, his crap is in my car and I have no way of knowing his name or where he's at."

And now, as we were sitting on his couch I laughed. He was so goofy sometimes. Over the past few weeks he has really opened up to me and I could tell he was getting more comfortable about it. He took off the sombrero and ate the rest of his soup. I would like to point something out that is completely and utterly unfair. Jon has too fast of a metabolism. This boy can eat anything he wishes and barely gains a pound. Sure, he goes to PT once a week and works out, but still. It doesn't count.

We threw away our empty cups and sat on the floor in each other's arms. Jon lit up the fireplace he had and I nestled into him. I love the way he smelt the same. It's the one thing that never changes about him. Although I don't agree with it, I love the faint smell of smoke. I love the way the soap lingers on his body and the his hair is always a perfect mess. I love the way his warmth radiated through our clothes and warms me to the core. I love the way our bodies fit together, like they were made for each other. I love the way he loves me and the way I love him.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" he asked me after a few minutes.

"Let's play a game." I said

"What kind of game?"

"Hm... let's play twenty questions."

"The clean version or the dirty version?" he asked with a smirk.

"Let's keep it clean."

"Aw, you're no fun, but fine. You go first."

"Hm. Alright. What's your favorite color?" I was pretty sure I already new the answer.

"Blue. How many serious relationships have you been in?"

"Well, what do you mean by serious."

"I don't want to know about the month long flings."

"Three. What's your biggest fear?"

"Of all time or right now?"

"Both."

"I don't think that's fair," he said, "but because I love you I'll answer. My biggest fear of all time is suffocation. Mostly because it's how I almost died in Iraq. As far of my day to day fear, it would probably be of fucking up and losing you."

"Aw." I looked up at him "That was cute."

"Yes. So, what's the most awkward thing you've ever had to talk about?"

"Freshman year I was going out with someone four years older than me. His name was Mike. He proposed to me and wanted to whisk me away to Ireland. He was absolutely crazy. I told him I was fourteen, that marriage was the last thought in my mind. He broke up with me for breaking his heart. I just laughed awkwardly."

"Wow. And I thought I was the only one who dreamt about you as my wife."

I laughed awkwardly "Anyway, what's the worst thing about the war?"

"Well, you'd think that because of the desert it would be the sun, but it's not at all. It's actually a toss up between anticipation and the cold. The war was a whole lot of waiting. You'd get an adrenalin rush from some gun shot or i.e.d. going off, but then you'd have to calm down. Keep a cool head. Sit for a few days, a week maybe, with nothing to do. And then there's the cold. You'd sweat through your clothes all day until a layer of sweat fills every crevasse of your body. And then the night comes. You stop moving and the temperature drops by fifty degrees. You freeze in your own sweat and your bones chill. Bumps fill your entire body and your teeth chatter. You barely sleep."

"Wow." I said, shocked "That was harsh."

"Yeah. It sucked. But I'm not there anymore and I get to spend my nights with you."

He gave me a tight squeeze and kissed my temple. His breath smelt herby from the soup.

"Do you think about our future as much as I do?" he asked in a thoughtful voice

"Kind of, kind of not."

"What do you mean?"

"I wonder if I'll even have a future. In a year and a half I might be dead. I mean, I hope I have a future. I hope we have a future, but sometimes I'm not so sure."

"We have a future." he said, like it was a fact "And it's going to be beautiful."

I looked up into him and took him in. That's the first time it really hit me. I was falling head over heels, butterflies in my tummy, chills down my spine, fireworks in my mind in love with Jonathan Michael Browning and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. He kissed me slowly my heart sang. He pulled me up onto his lap and kissed me again and again. His hands played with the ends of my shirt and mine started feeling the collar of his.

I started unbuttoning his top shirt and he rolled up mine as if rehearsed. My cami underneath clung to my body. He lifted me and himself off of the floor and we crashed onto the couch. His mouth found its way to my neck and everything went fuzzy. His belt found it way to the floor followed by my jeans. I felt like I was losing my mind. I could feel Jon everywhere. My lips, my mouth, my neck, my shoulders, my chest. Our scents mixed together and I felt like liquid in his arms. And that's when I realized I wanted him. I wanted every bit of him. But then I remembered my promise.

I pulled his face away from mine and his breath was heavy on my face.

"We need to stop." I said

"Why?" he asked.

I laughed "I promised you that I wasn't going to let anything happen."

"Screw the promise." he said, as his mouth found its way back to my neck "I didn't mean it."

I giggled as his hands went up my sides.

"I'm sorry, but a promise is a promise."

He groaned "This really isn't fair."

"You're the one that made the promise!" I exclaimed

"Why do I always have to open my big mouth?" he asked, collapsing on top of me.

"Because I love your big mouth." I kissed him softly and lingered for a few moments.

"And I love you, but it's always getting me in trouble."

"How so?"

"Well, like tonight. All I want to do, is have a wonderful night with my wonderful, beautiful, sexy girlfriend, but all I get is a cup of soup, a few questions, and worked up."

I had to laugh "Worked up?"

"Baby, I want you." he kissed my neck.

I laughed "Yup. Definitely time to stop."

He groaned.

"Besides," I said, pouting a little "I loved our soup, questions, and kisses."

"I love them too, don't get me wrong. That's why I don't want to stop."

I kissed his forehead "Only a year and a half."

"It's been like, a month!" he said "How am I supposed to make it a year and a half?"

"You'll live." I was smiling.

His arms slithered around me and he buried his face in my chest. I rubbed his bare back and traced hearts on his skin with my fingers. He's so perfect and I'm so... not. He's way too good for me, I realize this now, but I don't care. I'm selfish and self-centered, and mean for keeping him here with me, but I want him. I want him to be the person I call when I need someone to talk to and I want him to be the person I wake up next to in the morning. I messed with his brown hair and he smiled against my skin.

"You're perfect."

"I'm really not." he said.

"No, you really are."

"I smoke like crazy when you're not around. I'm surprised I don't have lung cancer. I have a huge ego and I'm overly confident of myself. I'm thirty three and all I've accomplished is a manager at Walgreens and a few years in a war. I'm terrified of abandonment and death. I'm paranoid of loud noises and I seem to only smile when you're around. I am far from perfect."

"Your smell makes me smile. I wish you didn't smoke, but once you get you get into the medical field I have a feeling you'll stop. I love your ego and your confidence. It makes me happy to see that I'm not the only one who thinks you're absolutely amazing. That is far from what you've accomplished. You've got an English degree under your belt, you've served and protected your country in their time of need, you've gotten father in the retail world then most people care to, and you've made this girl fall madly in love with you without even trying."

"I might be deployed to South Korea."

"That's not funny." I said, flicking his nose.

"That's good, because I didn't say it to be funny. My platoon has decided to sign up to be deployed if needed. If a war breaks out."

My heart was beating out of my chest. I was sure he could hear it. I started hyperventilating.

"What?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

He lifted his head and looked into my eyes. I saw fear and worry in his.

"If I go, I want you to forget about me."

"That's never going to happen."

"After six months it will."

"Never. Darling, you're name has been sketched into my heart forever. I promise."

He kissed me and I felt like crying. The inevitable question ran through my head. What if he dies?


	11. You Catch More Bees With Honey

I have to say one thing I'm not used to is waking up next to someone. I mean, I shared a room with my sister when all of my siblings lived under the same roof, but this is completely different. Waking up to Jon made me happy. His arm was around my waist, as if he was protecting me while sleeping. His eyes were closed. I touched his face and his eyes fluttered open to greet me and the world. He smiled.

"I could get used to this." he said sleepily.

I smiled back "I could too."

We laid there, nose to nose and breathed deeply. His arm that was around me pulled me closer to him. My hands rested gently on his shoulders and my thumb moved over his scar. When I see scars it's always been hard for me to picture what the wound that made them looked like. Jon's was no exception, in fact I'd say it's worse. I have never even seen Jon in pain (not that I ever hope to).

"What time is it?" he asked.

"Time to not worry about time."

I kissed his lips, which still felt a little drowsy and he kissed me back. He seemed to have accepted my answer. We kissed for a while and held each other.

"Have you ever been in love?" I whispered.

"Never like this."

The sun was on both of us and there was a calming quiet that took its toll. I wondered if we broke it, if everything around us would shatter and would we remain the same?

"Let's just stay here forever." he whispered

"I wish we could."

"Why can't we?" he kissed my temple

"Because, unfortunately, we both have lives."

Eventually we both had enough courage to venture out of bed in order to get ready for work. Jon and I worked quite well together. I'd always be waiting to get instructions and he'd always be anticipating hearing my voice calling his name over the loudspeaker. Rosy however, was none to amused.

"Why are you so in la-la land today?"

"I'm not in la-la land!" I protested.

She laughed "You've spilt two totes, messed up the fragrance section, and almost gave a woman a twenty for change when she gave you a ten."

I sighed. I was so distracted " I dunno..."

"That's a flat out lie!" she hit me with a magazine.

A smile fell across my face "Do you really want to know?"

"Hello, my name is Rosy. Have we met before? Of course I want to know!"

"I met someone."

Rosy's mouth dropped "Bethanny Marie Harrington!"

As if on cue, Jon had rounded the corner and was heading down our way, carrying a packet of papers and a set of keys.

"What's his name?" Rosy asked, of course just loud enough for Jon to hear.

"Who's name?" he asked, leaning against the counter.

Rosy perked up with a big smile "Bethanny here has a new boo."

"Oh really now?" Jon's interest was peaked.

"It's nothing."

"Bush hush, it's nothing!" I loved Rosy's weird expressions "What's his name?"

I had to think on my toes. "Jacob."

Jon's eyebrow raised "Jacob?"

I looked him in the eye "Yes, Jacob."

He smirked "Oh, Rosy, did I tell you I found someone too?"

Oh fuck my life.

"Oh, this is so exciting! What's her name?" Rosy gushed

"Belle" he said, not locking away from my face "It means beautiful in many different languages."

"Oh, that's so adorable! Is she belle?" Rosy asked, doing her weird eyebrow thing.

Jon put a finger to his chin, as if thinking about it "The most beautiful girl I've ever met."

I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I was hoping I was wearing enough foundation to cover it up. This game wasn't so fun anymore.

"Oh! Do you have any pictures?"

"Unfortunately, no. She's not the picture taking type."

"What does she look like?"

I swear, I am going to kill him later for this.

"She's short, but she's pretty much the perfect height for me. She has long, black, slightly curly hair and green eyes that seem to know everything. She's so pale it almost looks like she has a glow. It makes her look like an angel."

Rosy clutched her chest "Oh my God, Jon! That was beautiful. You must really love this girl."

"I do." Jon said, throwing me a wink when Rosy wasn't looking.

"What does Jacob look like?" she asked, not losing any enthusiasm.

"Who?" I asked

"Jacob... your boyfriend?"

"Oh!" I said, trying to cover it up "He's pretty tall, actually. His dark brown hair is always messy and it falls on his face perfectly. His ice blue eyes can tear through your soul and know everything about you in just a glance. He has absolutely perfect teeth and a smile to die for."

Rosy looked like she was about to cry and I was looking down, avoiding all eyes contact "I want one of those!" she yelled

Jon laughed "Oh please. He doesn't seem that great."

"Better than Belle could ever be."

"Ah-ha-ha. You wish. Belle is amazing. This Jacob seems like a complete loser."

I had to keep myself from laughing like an idiot. This whole thing was completely immature and I was loving every minute of it.

"Mr. Browning to main." came a voice that I didn't recognize.

Jon scuttled off and I headed back to work with Rosy. I found out that telling her was the worst mistake I could have made.

"How old is he?"

"Old enough."

"Is he older than you?"

"Yes." Mistake 2

"Oooh! How much older?"

"Old enough."

"18?"

"No."

"20?"

"No. Rosy, can we just concentrate?"

"Is he older than Mike?"

Mike was another one of our managers. He was probably around 25.

"I don't know. Probably."

"Bethanny! This is so not fair!"

The entire day carried on like this until it was my time to go home. I was happy that I only had to work until five. I didn't know if I could take another moment of Rosy's inquiry. I had gotten a text earlier from Jon, telling me that after work I should just walk to CVS, which happened to be right down the street, so that he could pick me up there. You know that feeling you get when you move somewhere new and everything seems to be awkwardly placed, or at the very least out of place? That feeling had left me when I walked into Jon's apartment.

I know the previous sounds creepy and this will probably even sound creepier, but it almost felt like a second home. I was starting to learn what floorboards creaked and how each indiviual pillow felt against my skin. I had made memories in the kitchen and everywhere else. I knew and expected what the cloth that the rug was made out of felt like as I ran my bare feet on top of it. Its just something you come to learn about a home.

Jon had decided he was hungry so we looked in his fridge. To my dismay there were only a few eggs, a bottle of orange juice that I wouldn't have trusted, a stick of butter, and oddly enough four unopened bags of shaved coconut.

I laughed "Why do you have so much coconut?"

He came over and looked in "I don't even remember buying that."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No lie. I don't know where that came from. Someone must have planted it in my fridge."

I started laughing "I don't think someone would plant shredded coconut in your fridge."

"You clearly don't know my friends."

As if by saying the magical word friends his phone rang.

"Hello?... Oh hey, man. What's up?... Uh I'm actually with my girl, but we can chill if you want... Yeah, no problem." he hung up "So, you're going to meet my friend Lucus."

I smirked "Do I have no say?"

"Fine. What do you want from me?"

"I'll hang out with you and Lucus if you and I go shopping first."

"Deal." Jon said "He'll be here in a few hours."

$%^&*(*$%^

I would like to state a fact that some people might not know: food shopping with men is like salsa dancing with a hippo. They have no idea what they are doing, they are completely awkward, they do unnecessary things, and they make odd noises. Jon is no exception to this. Throughout the entire time we were there he wandered off towards the twinkies, chex mix, and soda, while I picked out some good looking produce and got some cheese from the deli. While I was trying to pick out fresh bread, he was wondering what flavor gummy bears he should get. As I was getting milk and flour, he was eyeing the frozen pizza and mozzarella sticks. I think you get the picture.

"What the hell do you use these things for?" he asked, picking up something from the carraige.

I looked over "It's an artichoke."

"And what the heck do you plan to do with it?"

I laughed "Eat it?"

"Are you trying to poison me?"

"Yes. I am totally poisoning you with fresh vegetables."

"I knew it!" he screamed, grabbing the attention of several customers, "You are all my witnesses!"

"Oh my God..." I put my hands over my eyes "Are you really going to the be _that_ guy? Can't you just be normal for once?"

"I am being normal."

"And that, scares me."

Eventually, after much deliberation, we made it to the checkout. By the time we were at his house the fridge had seen the first batch of groceries in what I believe to be its lifetime. Jon had told me that he has never had so much food in his house at one time. I laughed. Lucus would be there any second so I got cooking.

Because of today's fiasco at the food store I decided I would make the dreaded artichoke. How was I going to get him to eat it? By disguising it in a way that he wouldn't realize it was even there. I made a cheesy spinach and artichoke dip. I figured if I can get him in with something unhealthy, such as tortilla chips, I can then spring the vegetables on him.

Lucus came a few minutes into preparation. Lucus was tall and possibly the most muscular man I have ever seen in my life. He towered over Jon and Jon towers over me, so in reality there was really no chance of confidence whatsoever. His gigantic hand took mine and he was basically doing all the muscular work in this shake. I was like jelly in his hands.

Seeing Jon with Lucus was a little weird and awkward. They had so many inside jokes together that it was hard to keep up sometimes. They laughed a lot and Lucus had brought over a few beers. By the second bottle they were both more relaxed and a whole lot louder. I was surprised that some neighbor didn't come by and ask them to please be quiet. They ate like rabid hounds. I think I could have put a loaf of bread or liver and onions and they would have ate it all the same. It was official. Jon was drunk.

I made my way over to his computer as they laughed like hyenas to check what my hours were. Normally, I would ask Jon, but at this point I doubted that he would remember. I was shocked. I didn't even know we were open Christmas and here I was being put on the schedule. Of course. They would put the only Jew on the schedule. How typical.

"I have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas." I mumbled more to myself, but they inevetably heard.

"What did you say, baby?" Jon slurred.

"I have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas."

"Woohoo!" Jon outbursted "Look at Bethanny! Racking up the ka-ching ka-ching for the bling-bling, yo!"

I looked at him and I could not help laughing. I was fairly certain that he thought he was talking like a civilized part of society. He sounded like an idiot.

"Dude," Lucus said, laughing "You're not black."

"How would _you _know?"

"Because I can see your skin, dude."

"Oh... yeah..."

Jon, against our wished, continued drinking. Lucus stopped a few hours before he had to leave and I made sure he was completely sober before he walked out the door. Jon wrapped his arms around me sloppily the second a closed the door. He reeked of beer. I shook my head.

"I think its beddy-bye time."

"Well, I think we should go to bed, but I don't think we should do much sleeping." He gave an attempt at a wink, but it ended up looking like he was having an eyes spasm.

I laughed "Come on, Romeo."

"Who's this Romeo?"

I took his hand and led him into the bedroom where I took off his dirty shirt and pants. The second he got under the covers he was out like a light. I had to make a not that if I ever bring him to a family function _EVER that I had to strictly regulate his alcohol intake. I slipped under the sheet myself after getting changed and his arms found their way around my waist. Hopefully the morning won't be too bad. _


	12. Family First

"Mrggrrf"

My eyes fluttered opened to some odd noise. I rolled over and saw Jon's scrunched up face in pain. I've seen that face many a times before. It was the face of a hangover.

"Rrrrg."

I took his head in my hands and kissed his forehead. I got out of bed and got him a glass of room temperature water and a couple of asprin. He took them greedily inot his mouth as I sat down beside him. His chest heaved a little and I watched as his muscled flexed as he drank the water and sat up. He held his head in his hands with his eyes closed.

"Not so fun the morning after?" I said quietly.

"Why are you talking so loud?" he mumbled.

I giggled "I'm whispering, love."

He looked up and I could see that his thoughts were still swimming in those big blue eyes of his. I took his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze. He convulsed in pain as my phone went off and I dodged to answer it.

"Hello?" I whispered

"Why are you whispering?" came Ali's booming voice on the other end. Only my sister would not take the hint.

"What do you want?"

"I'm getting my nails done today. You wanna come with?"

I sighed "Will it make you hang up?" I asked

"Probably."

"Then sure. I'll be home by noon."

"Bye!"

I hung up the phone and made my way back over to Jon. It was hard to have sympathy when I had warned him so many times the night before of what would come in the morning. He wrapped and arm around me and our heads hit the pillows.

"I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, but nothing like... happened last night, right?"

I laughed "Nothing happened."

"Oh thank God. That would have been bad."

I played with his hair which seemed so dark against my pale fingers. It wasn't quite as thick as my own, but it certainly wasn't thin by any means. His hair was soft, like feathers that ran against my palms, and it seemed that no matter what way I put it, it looked perfect. Like it was meant to be there all along and you had just helped it find it's way. Jon flinched as church bells rang from afar.

He sighed against my skin "Why am I such an idiot?"

"I ask myself that quite often, actually."

"Me too."

His thumb was rubbing against part of my stomach that was bare from him pulling me down. His eyes looked at the spot intently. I wanted so badly to know what was running through his mind.

"Have you ever thought about having children?" I asked, randomly.

"I have. Not seriously, but I have."

I took a large breath in and let it out.

"Have you?" he asked, tentatively.

"Yes."

"You're a little too young, don't you think?"

"Yes."

"Then why think about it?"

"Because I cannot have them."

His head lifted up and looked into my eyes. They were confused and had every right to be.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm infertile."

"You are?"

"No, just kidding!" I said sarcastically "Of course I am."

"How do you know?" he asked

"I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome." I began "A lot of people have it, but not a lot of people become infertile because of it. It's also what's causing my insulin resistance, which is causing my pancreas to bug out."

"You're really not kidding, are you?"

"No." I said and gave a laugh "Why would I kid about that?"

"I don't know. I mean, I hear about people who have that when they're my age, but never so young."

"Way to go and make everything awkward."

He leaned towards me and kissed me. I pulled away immediately and started cracking up.

"Alright lover-boy. You need to brush your teeth before I even come near that mouth again."

"Psh." he said, sitting at a ninety degree angle "Are you trying to tell me that the taste of stale beer and cheesy artichoke dip isn't the biggest turn on ever?"

"Oh yeah." I said sarcastically, "I just want you so bad right now."

"I knew it."

He gave me a tight squeeze and smiled before heading off into his bathroom to, what I assume, brush his teeth. I concentrated on the feel of his sheets on my legs and the way the sunlight was warming my face. I loved his room. It was masculine, there was no doubt about that, but it wasn't like football city. It was classy, for lack of better terms.

He jumped onto the bed when he came back and pinned me down. The asprin was clearly working and I let out a yelp. His face hung centimeters form mine and he smirked. I could smell spearmint from his breath and laughed. I think I had made him self conscious.

"You're so weird." I said, looking up at him.

"So I've been told."

"Why are you pinning me down again?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"So that I could..."

He kissed me. This time it was much more enjoyable. His lips tasted clean and he seemed more alert. It was an awkward kiss for sure, but it was still as sweet as can be. His hands went to pinning mine down to sliding around my waist and taking me into him. I love this feeling.

"I love you." I whispered when he let me go and sunk down on top of me.

His face was buried in my hair "I love you so much."

I kissed his ear and breathed him in. At that moment I felt that the only thing keeping me from floating away was Jon's body on mine. He kept me grounded and kept me safe.

He was reluctant when it was time for me to go, but I had promised Ali that I would get my nails done with her. I think it was mostly because Ali also wanted me to turn off my cell phone and even if he wanted to he couldn't get in touch with me. But I reminded him that he goes to church on Sundays and asked "Don't you have to like... pay attention at church or something?". It shut him up pretty quickly.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love being a girly girl from time to time. I enjoy shopping and getting my hair done, but getting acrylic nails freaking hurts. And if someone says otherwise they are lying. They push back your cuticles to the point where they break and bleed. Then they pour mineral oil on them to ease the blow that is the sting. Then you have to sit for twenty minutes, paranoid that you're going to whack them on something and screw them up as your hands are under a heater, which bakes the mineral oil into your cuticles.

But on the bright side, your hands look gorgeous in the end? Either way, it's worth it. Because you get two weeks of perfect nails out of it. Ali went for her typical shade of pink and I picked out an evergreen. I know I'm not Christian and I don't celebrate Christmas, but I still wanted to be festive. After all, I did have to go to Jon's parent's house on Christmas Eve, which I was actually kind of paranoid about. Yes, I was going to give him his present and I was excited about that part, but his parents made me so nervous. What if they ended up hating me? And what if Sam's entire spveel came true?

A few days ago Sam and I were talking and she was asking me what I was afraid of about the whole Jon thing. I opened up to her and what not and we came to the conclusion that we were definitely moving far too quickly. Unfortunately, she had told me where she can also see where he's coming from because he is older and he's at the age where he's looking to settle down. Sam then went on to predict that because we are apparently "soul mates" that he was going to propose to me and we were going to have lots of little babies (even if it is impossible), and live happily ever after. Now, by some God forsaken force, let's say this does happen for some strange reason. Wouldn't it kind of suck if the guy I'm going to love for the rest of my life has parents who absolutely hate me?

Don't worry. It was a rhetorical question.

Ali and I talked about how she was going over her boyfriend George's for Christmas. George's parents were very foreign, just like Jon's mother. George was Greek though, where Jon was strictly Italian. According to Ali it's a very fun time because everyone gets together and drinks and eats and has fun. There are some games, and joking around, and kisses under mistletoe. Then, of course, the giving of presents to one another. It just hit me then, I hadn't even thought about what I was going to get Jon's mother. Was I even supposed to get her something? These are the time where I wish I could just consult with Ali, but considering Jon was older than George I don't think things would turn out okay in the end. Not out of jealousy, more out of disgust.

That seems to be the initial reaction from most people. Pure disgust. And then they get to know Jon and they know he's sweet and caring and loving and is staying around for me and not just for sex and they end up loving him just as much as I do. Besides, we've been trying to keep it hush hush for a while now on account of the illegalness of the entire situation and we've only told the people we truly trust. And so far that has worked out for us. No sirens at his door yet at least.

When the entire appointment was said and done we decided to go to my father's work to get some food. My father owns a restaurant, consequently, in the same town Jon lives in. So whenever I am with Jon we tend to try to not go public for obvious reasons. My father's restaurant is nothing special. A simple pizza place that is probably more famous for their sandwiches than anything, but they have some good food. Except for the pizza, it's kind of disgusting.

Ali got some kind of sandwich and I got a simple salad. I'm not too fussy. When we got home I felt relaxed. I pulled out my homework and finished most of it. To be quite honest, I really don't do my homework all that much. I don't really need to. I'm not bragging at all, quite the opposite. Homework confuses me. I have when we're in class and if you test me on it then I'll be perfectly fine, but the second I'm home all motivation is lost and the brain is fried.

After homework I took a shower and laid down in my own bed, which was honestly quite nice. I love Jon, I truly do, but I love my freaking bed. I love the feeling of being in a home that you've lived in for sixteen years. I love the familiarity of everything. Like I know that if I go to my closet right now and move my northface sweater to the side that there will be a little pink box with a ballerina painted on it that holds photos from my childhood, a pair of pink socks, my photo album from Disney World, a small stuffed puppy my boyfriend from freshman year had made me, and a mood bracelet I had one from the arcade at the bowling alley. Now that's home.

As I took in all my surroundings for the billionth time I fell asleep peacefully.


	13. Scars

Mondays suck. I'm making it a known fact. Waking up early so that I can sit in the cold ass windy weather to wait for a bus driver who, might I add, doesn't even like me is not in my definition of enjoyable. Nor will it ever be. But I did have something to look forward to today and that, my dear reader and humble friends, is zumba. For those of you sitting at home thinking "what in the world is zumba?" I shall put your mind at ease. Zumba is an amazing cardio workout that relies heavily on upbeat, ethnic music. And luckily I was going to be able to get out of Spanish class to do so. With Jasmine and Sam to top it all off.

I had to convince Jasmine to go because she's a serious downer when it comes to things that could be amazingly fun and for some reason she was very closed-minded that day. Sam, however, was just as excited as I am. It's good to find someone with my enthusiasm. Zumba was amazing. Sam and I danced along with the instructor, or at least tried to, and pulled and pushed Jasmine to dance along with us, but to no avail. She was none too happy about the whole experience.

By the time it ended I was disgustingly sweaty. It really got my heart pumping. The rest of the day I felt like I was perspirating through ever pore on my body. I felt like I needed to bathe in deodorant. By the time pre-calc rolled around I was wiped. Of course, Sam was still as bubbly as ever.

My phone vibrated.

_I need you_

_-Jon_

What the heck does that mean

_What?_

It didn't take long

_I'm scared. I need you._

_I'm on 93, on the side_

_of the road crying. I_

_need you._

_-Jon_

My heart ached for him in sympathy and confusion

_What happened?_

I was lucky the teacher wasn't paying much attention. Shocker.

_A comrade of mine was_

_blown up by an I.E.D._

_I spent four years by his side_

_in combat. _

_-Jon_

My heart sank. I couldn't imagine what he was going through.

_I'm on my way in_

_8 minutes._

It was snowing on the way to the bus. A gentle snow, but the very first snow of the season. Max could tell I was bothered, but didn't say anything. I had asked the driver if should could drop me off first. She was none to pleased, but obliged to my request. As soon as I got home I was in the car, driving to 93. I reached into my pocket for my phone and... it was gone. I stopped, searched my bags, my entire car, and so much more. It was nowhere. What a freaking lovely day.

I was hoping to get the area of 93 that Jon was on, so I could go there directly. For all I know he could be fifteen minutes down the road, or two hours. And I hated driving in the snow. Luckily, it was only about 35 minutes before I saw the familiar truck parked on the side of the road. I pulled over and locked my car. The last thing I need today is someone stealing my car as I'm consoling this amazing human being.

I made my way through the gentle snow and opened the passenger side door. Jon was still crying and was holding his dog tags. He didn't even look up and I didn't care. I crawled over to his side and wrapped myself around him. His sobs deepened. I stroked the back of his head and he held onto me like I was I was his dying child. With every stroke I took his grief into my soul. His chest heaved against mine and I whispered that everything was going to be alright, not because it's the stereotypical thing to say, but because it's the truth.

"It's not fair." he sobbed.

"I know, darling, I know it's not fair." I kissed the side of his cheek.

We stayed there like that for about fifteen minutes. The world around us spun with the beat of snowflakes, but in the tiny area of the car time stood still. I rubbed his hair around my thumbs. His sobs stopped and his blue eyes were reddened. He looked up at me with a sad smile. I smiled down at him.

"Thank you." he said, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.

I kissed his forehead "No problem. Ready to go home?"

He nodded. When I got out I had to brush the car off. The snow was coming down a little heavier, but still not enough to cause any worry. According to the weather channel three inches was to be the worst of the damage. I followed Jon around streets to his apartment. When I drive to his place, I take the main roads most because I do not know his town that well, but he knows all the back roads so that's what he typically takes. Eventually we made it safely.

When inside he sat on the couch and looked down at his hands. I sat next to him and looked at him. I was hoping that he wasn't going to start crying again, although I would understand if he did. Instead, he took me under his arm and held me tight. I did the same and he sighed. It was a relief sigh.

"Tell me about him." I said, closing my eyes.

"Who?"

"About your friend."

"Ah." Jon said, maneuvering us around so that I was semi on his lap and we were slightly laying down "Well, his name was Sergeant Kenneth Sanders. He was a good man and a good soldier. When we were deployed together we shared a lot of laughs."

He paused and I waited.

"One day we were out on this op for a weaponry dealer who was trafficking not only weaponry but people illegally over to another country. We ambushed the holding area and took some heavy fire. We knew there were hostage lives that were depending on us, but when we opened the cell there were children scattered about. They were going to be sold as slaves to work in factories making bombs. They looked so small, so fragile. They were all skin and bones and everything they wore was falling off of their bodies. You could just see that they were dying. Sanders just smiled at them and told them in Arabic that everything was going to be alright. We were able to save seventeen before someone set of a bomb."

He took his watch off his wrist and the skin underneath was rippled with scars.

"That's from reaching into that building and trying to grab more children. The fire was too much. Not for Sanders though. Nope, he just waltzes right in. Fire? What fire? He saved two more children. His leg bares this scar."

I touched his skin. I had noticed it before, but I just assumed it was something that happened during the war. It's then that I thought how every scar on his body holds a story and how I wanted to know his story.

"He has a wife and three kids now, but when we were together in war he had a girlfriend. She lasted three days before cheating. He got the letter three weeks into the tour."

His hands rested on my stomach and I could tell he was falling asleep. His breathing became more and more regulated. His heart beat evened. His arms became limp. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed it. I was happy that he was feeling better. I was happy I could even help at all. I fell asleep in his arms and didn't give a damn if I ever woke up.


	14. Dear Bethanny

Tuesdays are better than Mondays, but this Tuesday I was not looking forward to. Throughout the entire day all I could think about was Jon. He skipped work that day to go to Sander's wife's house and pay his respect to the family. He wanted me to skip too. He begged me too, but I just couldn't. My father would knew something was up. My heart ached for him. Besides, I was already going to the wake tomorrow and the funeral on Thursday. There's only so much time I can spend with him and have no one notice.

The first thing I did when I walked into school was go up to the last class I had yesterday which of course was pre-calc. Thankfully, the teacher had found my phone and put it in his desk. At least something was going my way today. After school I did ride to his apartment. He was drinking a scotch on rocks and smoking a cigarette. Two huge red flags were up. I walked over to him in my little heels and put both hands on his face. I turned it up to me and his red bloodshot eyes stared dully back. I sighed. He looked like a washed up artist. He hadn't bothered to shave in a few days and he had a pretty decent beard going.

"Get up." I said, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

"I-I don't know where we go." he slurred.

I lead him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I wasn't going to just let him sit there and mope. It was no good for him and I knew that. If he didn't dwell on it, he'd heal quicker. I stripped him down to his boxers and shoved him into the shower.

"Shampoo and condition your hair and wash with the body wash on the side of the tub. When I come back in here in ten minutes you better be done."

I know what you're thinking. Wow, what a freaking bitch. And honestly, if I was reading this I would be thinking the same thing. Was I harsh? Yes. Of course I was. I don't think you guys understand though. If I wasn't harsh with him he would have stayed drunk for a week or two, moping in his own self pity and grieving horribly without ever really mourning. He probably wouldn't have gone to the wake let alone the funeral and he would have been even more depressed than he already is. It's a little thing called tough love, and it works wonders in the end.

I picked out some jeans and a t-shirt and put on a pot of coffee. Last thing I wanted to do was make him feel uncomfortable. When I came back into the bathroom he was turning the water off. I handed him a towel through the curtain and when he said he was ready I handed him a pair of clean boxers. He came out of the shower and I smiled for two reasons. One, his wet hair had been spiked into an ill fitted mohawk and two, because he needed it. I was trying to tell him I was there for him and that I wasn't going anywhere. I know, a lot to say in a smile. He got dressed and I sat him down on the toilet seat. I was too afraid that he would cut himself so I shaved his face, which might I add is a lot harder to shave than legs would ever be.

He started to look like himself again and I made him a cup of coffee. Black, two sugars. Just the way he likes it. I got him two asprin and looked him in the eyes. I could tell he was sobering up. He smiled up at me.

"Thank you." his voice was low.

I kissed his forehead and sat across from him. His hand reached across the table for mine and I squeezed it. There was Jon. He looked at me like he always did and the butterflies stirred. I'd do anything for you, I thought.

After an hour we were standing in the florist's ordering some flowers to be sent to Mrs. Sanders. Jon picked up a small white rose and tossed it on the counter.

"Put this on the bill too."

I looked at him, confused, but he just smirked. After he paid he turned to me and put the rose in my hair. He smiled down at me.

"I love you." he whispered.

"I love you too."

After getting a judgmental look from the cashier we headed back to his apartment and sat on the couch. He wrapped his arms around me and took me into him. I didn't know who needed who more and I didn't care.

"What do you think when you're with me?" Jon asked, rubbing his thumb across my hand.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you think, I'm hugging a thirty three year old and this is weird?"

"Do you think, 'I'm embracing a sixteen year old and this is illegal?" I asked him

"No, not really."

"You're not 'my thirty three year old boyfriend'." I explained. "Your Jon, the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the guy I love falling asleep next to at night."

He smiled and squeezed me tighter.

"You always have the most perfect things to say."

He kissed my neck and I smiled. His face was smooth and it had been a while since I felt him like this. I leaned back against him and I could feel him letting go. Little by little, surely, but that's all I could ever ask for.

$%^$)*^^&)(

The wake was hard for him. I had spent the entire day worrying about him, but when I met him out front he was in a suit, cologne on, and hair done. I was relieved. I sat next to him and held his hand. The wife and kids were up front, crying. Jon was asked to say a few words. He stood up at the podium and looked out across all of the people who had loved his friend. His face was serious.

"Sanders was a good soldier and an even better man. He was always the one person that you could expect to make you laugh. He was a friend." Jon swallowed and held back tears "He was a husband and a father. He was a soldier and a hero. He was a soldier and a friendly face. He died serving his country. He died protecting what he loved. But I know Sanders and I know that he wouldn't want us sitting here and taking pity on him." Jon smiled and looked at the portrait "He'd want us to be celebrating his life, not mourning his death. So tonight and tomorrow I say we celebrate a great man's life. The way he would have wanted it."

Jon always got nervous during public speaking and today was no different. He made his awkwardly down from the podium and the line formed to say final farewells. I took his hand.

"Are you going to be alright?" I whispered

He nodded. We sat through the rest of the ceremony and he paid his respects to Mrs. Sanders once more before we drove back home. As he took off his tie and suit I called home.

"Hello?" came my mother's voice

"Hi, Mommy." I said with a smile.

"Mon petite chou! Ca va?" I loved it when she spoke in french.

"Ca va bien, merci. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course."

"Tomorrow is going to be a pointless day at school. The day before the beginning of vacation and you know as well as I do that it's going to be filled with nothing but pointless movies. Alyssa doesn't have to go tomorrow because she got permission. We really need to work on our project... do you mind if I skip tomorrow?"

"You have no exams tomorrow?"

"Nope." It was a lie. I had a physics test, but I could make it up.

"Then alright."

"Merci, Mama."

"Goodnight."

Jon came over with a smile and wrapped his arms around me in a backwards hug. He kissed my neck and I felt bumps ripple down my spine. I smiled and turned my head to look at him. His eyes met mine only seconds before his lips. This kiss was different. It was not filled with passion or love. It was filled with gratitude and needing. He needed me here with him. I turned around and kissed him correctly, I was never really good with angles. His arms slithered around me tighter and he smiled into the kiss. The white rose fell from my hair and got caught on his shirt. I smiled and looked into his eyes. I could get used to this.

We both eventually fell asleep, his arms wrapping me in a sideways backwards hug under the sheets. I felt protected and secure. He was just happy to have something to hold on to. I felt something digging lightly into my back. I awoke and turned my head to see Jon's eyes wide open, looking down at my back. The clock behind him read three in the morning. He didn't notice I had stirred and if he did, he didn't seem to care.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled, still half asleep.

"Shhh," he said continuing, "Don't ruin the surprise."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm writing you an invisible love letter on your back."

"Jon, it is three in the morning."

"Actually, it's three sixteen."

"Exactly!"

"Dear Bethanny,

I know we haven't know each other for long but I just want to know that you are a thief. You've stolen my heart, my body, and mind. Don't worry, I don't want it back. You can keep it. I just need to make sure you're going to take care of it.

Love,

Jon."

I felt his finger etch every word onto my back. The silence that followed was deafening. I turned around and put both hand on his shoulders and my forehead against his.

"Dear Jon,

I regret to inform you that I have stolen nothing."

A serious frown formed on his face and I smiled

"For I rightfully own these three items. You see, you have stolen my heart, body, mind, and soul. I was just taking what I had lost in the first place.

With love and care,

Bethanny."

The air between us was warm and I felt his frown mold into a smile as he chuckled. He kissed my cold nose and we fell back asleep, this time to not be woken up until the sun rose.


	15. Firestar

Coffee. In the morning, I need coffee in order to function. I was up way before Jon and decided to go get some coffee. We both needed it. So, I innocently walked down the road to the nearest franchise coffee house and bought us both coffee. In my defense, I thought I was doing something nice. I thought that when I got home I would be able to wake Jon up with a smiling face and be all good morning, sunshine!

But of course not. Nothing can ever go my way. I walked back into his apartment and shook the snow off of me. I put my hat on the counter and put the coffee right next to it.

"Jesus Christ!" Jon was up.

"Woah!" he rushed over and gave me an unexpected hug.

"Do you know how worried I was about you?"

"What the heck are you talking about?

"I wake up and you're not here. I call your cell phone and you don't answer. I thought you honestly were either kidnapped or left on your own will without a trace."

I laughed. He was none to be amused.

"I woke up feeling like a cheap whore!" he exclaimed.

"We didn't even sleep together last night!"

"I know!"

We were both laughing at this point. I handed him a coffee with and apologetic smile. I was hoping to make amends.

"Just leave a note next time, okay?" Jon, said, taking the cup from my hand

"Agreed."

$&^(*^&*^$(*

We both got ready for the funeral. I hate dressing in all black, I really do. Pretty much my entire freshman year all I wore was black, black, black. Reasoning? I was trying to be something I wasn't. I was trying to, well, in all honesty fit in. I listened to the death metal and screamo, I teased my hair and died it purple, I wore so much eyeliner that I looked like I was trying to be a raccoon, I got piercings and wasted countless days at horrible concerts, I dated the stereotypical asshole guitarist, and above all, I lied. But back then I was lost and I was just happy to have found myself. Now I wear what ever I think makes me look good, although I can't seem to kick the habit of wearing non brand-name clothes. My make up has been, for lack of a better word, minimized and I think it makes my eyes greener. I still listen to some rock, but I've branched out to a little bit of everything. I haven't been to a concert in over two years and will probably never go to one that's not locally based again. The piercings are out and I have the correct number of holes in my face. Over all, I think I look a lot better. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not beautiful or anything, and I don't pretend to be. I still know that I am overweight, but I can't help that. I can't lose weight because I have PCOS and insulin resistance with a dying freaking pancreas, so I personally give myself a break on that one. I mean, c'mon now, I'm a vegetarian. I eat pretty healthy. I know my hair is just as unmanageable as it always was. But I'm proud of who I am and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks.

Jon was dressed in his military uniform. It was the first time I had ever seen it. He looked taller in it. He looked stronger. He brushed his hand over the structured fabric before looking up.

"Do I look okay?" he asked

I walked up to him and smiled "You look handsome."

We both made our way to the funeral. I stood in the back for two reasons. One, Jon was doing the shooting and I didn't know a soul so I was hoping not to socialize as much. Two, I didn't know Sanders so I think it was better if I let the people who did be the ones close to him. There was sobbing, lots of sobbing, and there was yelling as the gun shots were fired from his fellow soldiers. The casket was placed into the cold ground and I couldn't help myself from shedding a few tears.

I drove Jon home. He seemed fine, but I was still on alert. He took my hand in his as I drove. When at home, he flopped on the couch. He looked depressed. I sat next to his torso and put a hand on his chest as he closed his eyes. I had to think of something...

"Call us into work sick."

"What?" he asked

"Call us into work sick. I have a surprise."

Jon pulled out his phone and turned it on. That's something he has always done. Whenever he's with me his phone is shut off, which is actually a violation because his higher ups always need to be able to get in touch with him. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he's still in the reserves. He gets paid for pretty much working out and going to a meeting once a month. It's not a bad gig. But, I'm straying away from the story again. He called up Estevez and told him that I had called him and that he couldn't make it in. Car troubles. Jon was a much better liar than I was.

After that we got all bundled up again and I started driving. The entire time he was bugging me to tell him where we were going. He was being such a sourpuss. It was about twenty minutes west, where there was more farm country than there was on the coast. I pulled up an old gravel road that lead up to a beaten down barn. Memories from childhood spread through my body and I got a warm sensation. After not seeing this place for six years I was still in love with it.

"Where are we?" Jon asked as we got out of the car.

"Here." I said throwing my hands up around me.

I walked up the rest of the gravel path and I heard smacking coming from the back. I started swiftly walking. There he was, cutting wood.

"Bethanny?" he asked.

He looked different from what I remembered. He was older and his hair was grayer. His flannel shirt was much larger than it used to be. His beard was longer and made his face seem fuller. A complete six year transformation.

"Brian!"

I jumped into his arms and he gave me a large hug. Brian was my Uncle. He owns a little farm in west Massachusetts. My parents don't care for him much because they had a fight over something important when I was little. I never really found out what it was.

"Bethanny, you have grown so much!" his french accent had lessened through the years.

I laughed "I would hope so. I'm sixteen now, you saw me when I was ten."

"Does Stephen and Kimberly know you're here?" he asked, placing my feet on the ground.

"Shhh." I put a finger on my lips.

I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that things had smoothed over and that they forgave him. Unfortunately, this was just on my whim.

"Well, I suppose they don't have to know." he said, smiling down "And who is this?"

"This is Jon." I said, motioning for him to come over.

"Good to meet you, son." Brian shook his hand

"You too." Jon smiled up at him

"This is Brian, my uncle."

I think Jon was a little intimidated, but he hid it well. I jumped a little. I felt like a little kid on a sugar high.

"Do you still have firestar up and running?" I asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Brian asked laughing "Of course I do!"

We all got into his pick-up truck and he went off into the orchards. I smiled. I could see her peaking out from the evergreen tree tops. I grabbed Jon's hand and he laughed.

"You're so excited and I don't even know what you're excited about." he said, putting his gloved hands on mine.

"You didn't even tell the poor boy what you were getting him into?" Brian laughed from the front "You haven't changed at all."

Driving up to fire star was like driving up to all my childhood memories mashed into metal bars. Firestar was an old Ferris wheel that Brian opens in the spring summer and fall during the berry, watermelon, and apple picking seasons for the kids. Jon took one look at it and then looked at me.

"You're crazy, you know that, right?" he asked.

I just smiled and took his hand as we jumped out. Firestar used to be coated orange and read, but it had been repainted since I had seen it last. It was yellow and white like a firecracker with hints of blue. It was still as beautiful as ever.

"Do you mind?" I asked Brian happily.

"Of course not. It's going to have to be a ten minute ride though, I have to go over to the shed and pick up a few things. I don't want to freeze you both."

"We can handle it." I said, smiling up at Jon.

The seats were reupholstered. It wasn't an open topped booth, there was a roof and plastic around so we were technically completely in enclosed. I sat down and Jon sat down across from me. I held onto the pole, which was right in the middle of the booth and the machine roared to life.

"You're crazy." Jon said, putting his hands over mine

"You love it though. And, on the bright side, I got you to smile."

He smiled "Yeah, I guess so. You're still crazy."

"I'll take that. It's a good trade."

He moved over to my bench and put an arm around me.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I asked as I leaned into him.

"I won't tell a soul."

"The thought of tomorrow scares the crap out of me."

"Christmas Eve?"

"Mhm."

"Why?"

"Meeting your family, your friend. Being Jewish. The chances of a good outcome are slim. I mean what do you guys even _do_?"

He chuckled "What do you mean what do we _do?"_

"For all I know you guys could sacrifice goats during dinner and torture babies when dessert comes."

There was a moment of odd silence "Close, close... but no. The opposite. Here's what you need to expect. You'll walk into my grandmother's house and it's going to be as hot as a sauna because she's old and gets cold easily. You'll see a bunch of really loud people with booze in their hands speaking Italian. Okay, simply put, think of Jersey Shore. Then you'll talk to my grandmother who is blind and almost deaf, but it'll be more of a respect thing. We'll lie about your age, have a few glasses of champagne, exchange gifts, I'll be prodded about marriage, we'll sit there awkwardly, then I'll sweep you away."

"Was that supposed to help my nerves?"

"Um, yes." he said, with a smile

"Fail." I laughed.

He tightened his grip on me and kissed my cheek. It'll all be okay. I just need to stay close by him, not make eye contact, and learn Italian in the next 24 hours. Easy, right?


	16. Christmas Eve

"Bethanny, we're going to be late."

Both of us has just gotten out of work and it was absolutely crazy. Whoever decided we needed to be open on Christmas Eve was a complete idiot. Jon rushed around the store so much it was probably more of a workout than PT (Physical Training). Now, I was in his bathroom getting ready to go to his grandmother's house. Everyone in his family apparently dresses up when they go to this bash so I was dressed up. After working eight hours I was wearing heels. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

"Jon!" I called

Jon scampered up "Almost ready?"

"Almost. Zip me up?"

A smirk fell on his face "Why would I do that?"

"Maybe because you like your face in that arrangement?"

Jon chuckled and zipped my dress up. I had reused this dress from my semi-formal. It still fit like a glove and I was still in love with it. It was a classic dress and it made me feel classy. It flowed to the knee with red chiffon and had a beaded band underneath the breast line. It was one of the few dresses I owned that just make you feel beautiful. It's funny how clothes can do that to you sometimes. As for hair and make up I just pinned the mess of my black curly hair up, put on eyeliner and mascara, and red lipstick. I legit could have been walking into the 1920's.

"Wow." Jon said, looking at me when I finally emerged "Worth the wait."

I blushed and grabbed my coat. It had been a while since I was in cocktail attire. His grandmother's house was a good hour away and when we pulled up it was the epitome of a perfect household. A white house with shutters and a spacious wrap-around deck that held a bench swing, the green grass lead up to the white picket fence, and a single tree. It looked like it could have been in a magazine.

When Jon walked in it was like all hell broke loose. Sweaty italian men with too much body hair all greeted him with beers in hand. Loud women made noises and called him "papi". It was all far too surreal for me. I noticed one woman who was smiling in the corner. She looked familiar, like I had seen her before, but I just couldn't put my thumb on it.

"Mama!" Jon said, wrapping his arms around her.

The picture. The first picture I picked up in his apartment. It was his mother that was smiling with him. It made me smile. Jon was so sweet with his mother.

"There's someone I want you to meet." Jon said, pulling her over to me "This is Bethanny."

"Bonjourno, Bethanny. Welcome to the party." she wrapped me in a hug.

See, there's a reason this is all so weird to me. I come from a Polish/French family. When we have reunions or parties no one hugs each other. No one is overly loud, except for maybe Ali. We sit around with perfect posture drinking wine and talking about politics. We eat from cheese plates and discuss current events from the home country. It's freaking boring as hell.

Jon took my hand and lead me into what seemed to be the living room. It was hard to tell where I was when the place was so crowded with so many people. On the couch, sat clearly the grandmother. The one person I had been fearing the most the entire day. A blank stare was on her aged face. Her thin white hair was pulled back into a bun and she was so pale you could see every vein in her body. Jon sat next to her and took her hand in both of his.

"Grandma, it's Jon!" he said, over the roar of conversation.

"Who?" she asked

"Jonathan!" Jon screamed louder.

"Oh, Jon, my boy! I am so glad you came!"

He smiled "There's someone I want you to meet."

He took my hand and lead me to where he was sitting. He gave the grandmother my hand and the grandmother ran hers around it. It was like she was inspecting it.

"Hello, dear." the grandmother said.

"Hello."

"There's no need to be shy."

"Thank you for having me in your home." I had no idea what the hell to say to her. Jon had not prepared me for this.

"My pleasure. What nationality are you, darling?"

An innocent enough question "French and Polish!" I smiled. This wasn't so hard.

Her face molded into disgust. Her blank stare stared on. Her grip on my hand became tighter. My heart pounded.

"Jon!" she hollered.

"Yes?" Jon had never left, but she couldn't see that.

"You bring a French woman into my house?"

"Grandmama, please don't."

"You get this vile woman out of my house!" she screamed.

Oh shit. Everyone had stopped what they were doing. Now, of course, they were looking at Jon's girlfriend being trashed by Granny. Lovely. What a first impression.

Now, I know a lot of things could have happened next, but I have to say that not even I could have predicted this. Jon's grandmother was so enraged that she threw her head back, thrusted it forward, and spat on my shoes. The entire house was silent. The woman was still holding my hand and I had absolutely no idea what to do. I looked up at Jon and shock was on his face for two seconds before anger took him over as well. Must be an Italian thing.

"I bring you this woman, as fine as any other, and bring her to your event. She treats you with respect and is open to this family! She holds you hand with open thoughts and an open heart and you dismiss her! She was a respectful guest and the least you could be is a respectful host. You have not only disrespected her, but me as well. What if I end up marrying this girl? Hm? Then what shall you do?"

The grandmother looked stubborn, but sorrowful at the same time. Tears sprung from her eyes. Great. Bethanny, Jon's girlfriend, the one that made Grammy cry. This night just keeps getting better and better.

"I reluctantly apologize." she let go of my hand "Welcome to my home."

Jon grabbed my hand and lead me up. As he looked around everyone went back to talking, as if nothing had happened. Hr rushed us through the crowd of people and into a room that seemed to be a bedroom. Coats and bags of presents were all around the room. Jon closed the door and looked at me. We both had no idea what to say.

"I. Am. So. Sorry." he said, trying to explain.

I put my bag down on the bed and took out a tissue. I wiped his grandmother's spit from my boot.

"It's alright." I said solemnly.

"You're sad." he observed.

I felt like crying "Of course I'm upset!" I threw my hands up.

"I swear, I can buy you a new pair of shoes, Bethanny, I-"

"You think this is about _shoes_?" that's it, there go the waterworks "This is about your family! We're not accepted anywhere with open arms and not even a person who couldn't see why couldn't accept us!"

He looked hurt. He walked over and stood in front of me. His thumb wiped away a tear.

"My grandmother is one person." he said, dully "And no ones opinion of us is going to change the way I feel about you."

He wrapped me in his arms and I couldn't help crying. Fuck my life. There goes the make-up, the composed face, the happily ever after with the Italian family.

"I love you." he said, rubbing my back.

"I know. I love you too."

I stopped crying. I felt like a blubbering fool. This is why I will never be Christian. He let go of me and smiled at me. His teeth were too perfect.

"I was going to give you something when everyone exchanges gifts, but after that I don't think that would be such a good idea, so I'm going to give it to you now, alright?"

I nodded "I'll give you mine too."

I turned around and searched for the small box. The dog tags that I ordered turned out better than I could have hoped for. I knew it was lame, but I like lame. I found it and turned around. I almost dropped the box. Jon was on one knee. I looked at him and he had a serious face. My heart jumped into my throat and I legitimately thought I was going to throw up. I shook my head.

"Jon, I beg you, don't do this."

He chuckled "Bethanny, I know I haven't known you for a very long time, but there is something about you that just resonates within me to my core. It shakes my soul. And I know we haven't technically made it official, so..."

I'm going to puke. That's it, I'm just going to puke all over him and ruin this crappy moment.

"Will you be my girlfriend and take this ring as a promise that I will always be there for you for as long as you still want me by your side?"

He opened the small box and inside was a small claddagh ring. I almost started crying again. The relief that came off my shoulders was worth the weight of four worlds. Two shining silver hands grasped a crowned heart.

"I hate you and you're a complete jerk for making me freak out, but yes." I said, laughing.

He grinned and laughed as he got up. What a freaking jerk. He slid the ring onto my ring finger as if it was an engagement ring and I laughed. Oh God. I was falling more and more in love with this dramatic, crazy boy with every moment. He kissed me and twirled. I smiled into the kiss. Now that my worst fears were over it was actually kind of funny in a cruel way.

I let go and looked down at the box in my hand. Great. What a tough act to follow. He unwrapped his gift and opened the box. Two gunmetal dog tags hung from the chain around his fingers.

_Jonathan &_

_Bethanny_

was inscribed on them. He pulled them around his neck and held them in his hand as he smiled.

I smiled at him "I want to protect you."

He wrapped his arms around me "I know the feeling."

My arms wrapped around his waist so easily. His dog tags clanged together. With us standing there in my classic dress and him with his dog tags I had this weird though of if this is what it felt for wives to be hugging their husbands goodbye before they went out to fight in World War Two. My heart sunk. What was I ever going to do if his platoon was called on?

"Don't leave me." I whispered.

"Hm?"

"Nothing."

Unfortunately, Jon said we eventually had to go out and face the music. Dinner was alright. I stayed silent. Absolutely silent. The last thing I wanted was too cause any more drama. Jon passed me everything because he was on my right and passed all the meet over me to his cousin, Ross. Ross was cool. I had to admit. He was married, only a year younger than Jon, and was a major in philosophy. He was hilarious and had me laughing.

After a few glasses of wine everyone was feeling better. By the time dessert rolled around I was buzzed. I couldn't even think about eating. Jon had his arm around me and I loosened up. I even got grandma to laugh a few times. A few more glasses of champagne and Jon and I were gone. He, being responsible and not wanting to kill me, called a friend who drove us to his apartment.

The elevator door closed and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt like soup in his arms. Our kisses were slow, filled with fatigue. We kissed all the way to his door, took a few minutes to get the blurred key into the door, laughed, giggled, and stripped to the bed where we fell asleep with our fingers intertwined, our claddagh rings and hearts side by side.


	17. Let It Snow

"Merry Christmas" I hear, before feeling Jon's lips on my closed eyelids.

I smiled and opened my eyes. He was laying there, smiling at me. I looked at him and had a weird thought. He takes a shower ever morning and uses this axe stuff to make his hair look like he had just gotten out of the bed and he must be pretty good at it considering right now at this very moment it doesn't look any different from any other day. So, why waste the money on hair care product and just wake up and head out the door? Take a shower at night, no one will know.

"What the hell are you thinking about?" he said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I laughed "You don't want to know." I always have the weirdest thoughts right before I wake up.

I crawled on top of him and laid my head on his chest. I smiled because I could still hear his heart beat quicken every time I do. He hugged me close. I thought about closing my eyes, but chances are I would end up falling back asleep again so I voted against it. I thought about everything I had in front of me today. My sister Hannah brought the kids up Catholic so they celebrate the whole Christmas thing. The grandmother has them until about two. My father is making a whole big dinner for them and we're going to give them our presents. Wrapped in menorah paper. It's going to be a little weird.

But I was all Jon's until noon and that's all I focused on right now. I genuinely think my parents have given up on trying to keep track of me and what I'm doing. I spend more time at work or Jon's than I do at home. Every time I go home to get clothes, pick up some medicine, or quickly bake something so that Julia doesn't starve I say hello to my mother, tell her how all my _projects _are doing. She doesn't buy it for a minute, but she nods accordingly. Just a typical teenage girl with a part time job and a roaring social life with all her girlie friends. The perfect facade.

"I'm making you breakfast." I decided and crawled off of him.

"Why?"

"Well, most because I'm hungry, but the fruit we bought is going to go bad if we don't use it."

"We bought fruit?"

By the time I was done I had made a fruit salad consisting of cantaloupe, kiwi, strawberry halves, blueberries, and pineapple with some cinnamon toast and a fruit smoothie. It was kind of fun to see Jon's face as I stirred and chopped. I could have been performing miracles and his face would have stayed the same. We sat down and ate.

"Wow. This is much better than ramen." Jon said, popping a strawberry in his mouth.

I laugh and nodded.

"You're going to make me lose weight though. What will I ever do without all my preservatives?"

"Live longer?" I asked, taking a sip from my drink.

"True."

I avoided the toast. Carbs are the worst for people with insulin resistance. They turn straight into sugars and straight into fats. I know what I can eat and what I can't. It's just a matter of mixing it up and keeping it... not boring. Jon was reading the newspaper and I was flipping through a magazine. I have been getting a lot of mail lately, mostly from colleges, but when I went home last I had been sent a prom dress magazine. I hadn't even began to think about prom, to be completely honest, besides the fact that Jon couldn't go (for obvious reasons). Sam had agreed to be my date though, and Jasmine, so I'll look like a pimp walking in.

As far as colleges go my mind is set for only one. Colorado State University. Far away enough to escape the dramas of home, close enough to keep my family at bay. See, I'll be going to school for bioengineering. Making medicines and whatnot. I'll hold a part time job on my night shift and make time and a half. Minus food, I'll send that back home. Easily paying for any expenses my mother has. Then, after four years I'll move to either Pennsylvania or stay in Colorado, get a nice paying job, maybe settle down, adopt a few Ethiopian children, and live happily ever after. Accounting that my pancreas holds up that long.

As far as prom dresses, I was lost. I could plan out my entire life including money and financials, a time-line, destinations and events, but if you asked me what prom dress to choose I was completely useless. Alyssa wants to come dress shopping with me because she's going to be another one that'll be at prom, but she already has her dress picked out because it was given to her. I wish someone would just tell me what to wear. It would be so much easier. Flipping through the book there were dresses of all cuts, colors, and styles. Some looked like they would be worn by up class hookers and others looked like they were Cinderella on steroids. That was going to be a horrible process.

After breakfast Jon decided to drive me home. I didn't want to go. If it was my choixe, I would spend more time with him and I knew his thought process was the same, but I do have other things to do. Unfortunately, I have a life. A boring one without him, but a life nonetheless. When we pulled up in front of my house I looked at him and he looked at me. We both hadn't bothered getting out of a pajamas. We were both tired and a little hung over. We were both embarrassed by how last night had played out and a little relieved that we both got through it together. And we both were begging each other with our eyes not to go.

Because I'm clearly the more responsible one in the relationship I broke the gaze first and opened my door. We mumbled our goodbyes and I made my way into the house. Julia was playing video games and sitting on the couch, yelling at something she was shooting at. I went up to my mother and said hello. She looked horrible. Her lips were so dry and chapped that they were flaking. Her hands were shaking and she was having a hard time breathing. I completely forgot she had a chemo appointment yesterday and I felt terrible that I wasn't home to help her.

I took her hand in mine and she closed her eyes. I sat with her until she fell back asleep and then I closed the curtains and turned off the television. She clearly needed rest. I brought up all the presents for the kiddies from the basement and brought them upstairs. Yes, we did not have a tree, but we had a small bamboo plant that was going to have to suffice. My father was cooking away in the kitchen and everything seemed to be going smoothly so I decided against bugging him.

The kids arrived and rushed to me. There is nothing better than feeling people you love loving you back. Honestly, at this point, I would claim these kids as my own. When they need something financially, I'll be there. When something happens at their school, I pick them up. When they both ask "Where is mommy?" I'm the one that has to reply "She's...sick." I'm the one who brings them to consoling, to play dates, to parties, and doctor's appointments. I'm the one they come to when they're hungry or thirsty. I'm the one they look at when they go to sleep and I tuck them in. I've done more for them than my sister has ever and yet she can't even drop a phone call on her son's birthday. Pathetic.

After hugs and kisses they immediately went to the pile of presents. Brayden was happy just playing with the bows and I laughed. I'm pretty sure you could give this kid a rock and he'd be happy for a few hours. Talia, on the other hand, was quite the opposite. She was a firecracker to say the least and she was going to let everyone know what was exactly on her mind. She was hard to keep entertained, so I usually let Julia take that one. She has too much energy anyway.

After some playing and an episode of _Dora The Explorer _we all sat down to eat. I ate the lasagna. It was pretty much the only meatless thing on the table. I fed Brayden asparagus and meat. It was all a little disgusting to be honest, but whatever. He needs his protein so I suck it up. Brayden is a tank. He seriously weighs more than his sister and I'm pretty sure he eats his own weight in food daily. But I love him.

Then, came the best part of all. The opening of the presents. Their eyes lit up with every box unwrapped. Brayden fell in love with every truck, car, and coloring book that came out and Talia loved all of her baby dolls. My father had a hard time putting the crib and high chair for the baby dolls, but eventually it all worked out. Even if there were pieces left over. But hey, they probably put it in there for precaution, right? Right. We'll go with that.

By the time the kids left I was exhausted. They wear me out like crazy, but I love the feeling of just having them here because I know they're safe. Before Hannah got them taken away I was never certain on whether or not they were going to be okay. If Steve, the father, was out for a few weeks they could be witnessing Hannah being beaten or even worse, _being _beaten. If Hannah's crack head friends were over they were witnessing Mommy being high, unresponsive, and irresponsible. If their grandfather was living there they were witnessing yelling and alcoholism. Which is why I bust my ass to make sure that they never have to see another family member passed on the floor again, needle in arm or drink in hand. It's just not going to happen.

%^$^_*%*$&*^

"Well, my father doesn't want to drive in this... so, maybe we could schedule it on Monday to Tuesday?"

Sam and I were making plans to have me sleep over. To be honest, I missed them. I've been growing really close to them lately. Both her and Jasmine, but unfortunately Jasmine was in Hungary sitting in giant thermal baths and talking to cute Hungarian boys with her grandmother.

"Yeah, that should be fine."

The reason I wasn't going to have my father hop in his car right now and drive me 45 minutes to her house is because there is a giant snowstorm on it's way. We're supposed to get feet of snow and it's going to be blizzard conditions. He doesn't want me to be snowed in at her house for the next couple of days, considering I have to be in work on Thursday. The whole thing was just a bad idea. So, if the snow subsided, I had plans to drive tomorrow.

When the snow came down it came down hard and fast. The entire storm was howling around the house. I hated storms, I really did. The entire day I stayed at home, hoping it would surpass. Ali and I decided that we were going to bake brownies to pass the time. She and George were planning on going to go see the zoo, which had it's annual holiday lights up, but that definitely wasn't happening since it was supposed to snow through the night. Ali is such a sweet heart, she really is, but she is louder than any person I know. I guess that's why my mother gave her the nickname mouth.

"So, Bethanny, give me the juicy details."

"Of what?" I asked, cracking an egg into the bowl.

"Oh c'mon. You're young. There has to be a guy on your mind."

I laughed oddly "You're so awkward."

"What's his name?"

I thought about telling her... "There is no guy."

"You're lying!" She exclaimed, pointing the spoon at me "It's written all over your face."

I sighed "Jonathan."

"Ohhh." she said, winking at me "How old is he?"

"Nineteen." The lie came out smoothly.

"Wow. He's old" I laughed on the inside "What does he do?"

"He goes to school, he's in the military, he works at a store as a manager..."

"Sounds good. Why haven't you jumped on that shit yet?" she is so blunt

"Because father would never approve."

"Oh, shut up you whore." she laughed "No one cares."

I shrugged. Whatever. She doesn't even know the entire story. The brownies came out and we let them cool. We talked some more and watched a bad movie on the television before we both fell asleep. I just had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that this storm was going to bring a lot more than just a few feet of snow.


	18. How Quickly Things Change

"Do you want to hang out tomorrow?" Alyssa said through the phone. I was making some breakfast for my mother.

"What do you want to see?" We had talked about going to see a movie before vacation had started.

"I don't know. How about the tourist? Nate hasn't gotten back to me."

Alyssa had invited Nate in hope of spending some more time with him. Unfortunately, he seemed to be unresponsive to pretty much anything either of us did. I wanted to bring someone else along because I didn't want to be like, the third wheel or anything, but Jon hadn't been able to get out of work yet. He was trying to get the night off.

"We'll talk more about it tomorrow, okay?"

"Alright. No problem."

The snow still hadn't stopped yet, but it had definitely calmed down a lot compared to the night before. I went upstairs and started packing my bags. I don't know about you guys, but I'm a very light packer. Why bring it if I'm not going to use it? It just doesn't make any sense to me. So I packed the bare essentials. Tooth brush, pajamas, etc. One thing that will be in my bag that probably won't be in yours is benedryl. See, I'm allergic to anything with fur and this was going to be my first time at Sam's house so for all I know she could be holding a zoo in her basements or her parents could be crazy ferret people who own six ferrets. Without medicine, I would go into anaphylactic shock and most likely die. Not how I want to spend the night, but hey, that's just me personally.

It had finally stopped snowing and it was actually pretty sunny out when my father and I hit the road. He wasn't all too please about driving me, mostly because Sam live about 45 minutes away and his windshield wipers weren't being the kindest of car parts, but he did it anyway and was happy that I was staying somewhere that he actually knew where I was. Opposed to all the nights I spent at "Alyssa's" or "Kathleen's". And to be honest, I was happy to be hanging out with one of my friend from school too.

The entire reason for this sleep over was so that we could watch this series called _Band of Brothers_. See, Sam has a little bit of a fetish for pretty much anything military. She even wrote this dude who she didn't know a letter, but by countless hours of facebook stalking she had found out that by the time the letter had arrived, he was already back home. When I was dating a boy named Tony, who was in the army and still is, he gave me his dog tags. She flipped out when she found out I had them and wore them the entire lunch period. Then when I found out he was cheating on me with four other women I burned everything of his and gave her the dog tags. They now hang from her bedroom mirror. She eventually figured out how creepy it was to have a friend's ex boyfriend's dog tags, but was far too afraid to throw them away because if something ever happened to him she would feel really guilty. So they just hang there.

We eventually found Sam's house and I walked in and she was, as usual, very excited. After much deliberation we decided we were going to be sleeping in the living room. I was very happy that I had brought my medicine because she had two dogs and a few cats and the dog, which was sick, had to sleep in the living room with us according to her mother. So I popped a few pills and everything was good. After everything was settled we started watching the mini series. The disk kept skipping and it was pissing Sam off. See, she not only has an obsession with the military, but with one soldier in particular.

Private George Luz, 101 airborne, WWII. It's kind of an unhealthy obsession actually. She found out the actor that plays him is married and felt betrayed. Yeah, it was a little stalkerish.

We ordered pizza and I met most of her family. A lot of her family live under one roof. There's her mom, her dad, her twin brother Corey, her grandfather, her uncle, his girlfriend, two dogs, etc. It's all a little weird. In a good way though. I don't know. My family just doesn't converse much at all. We talked a lot and a lot of it was about serious things. Now I know you're all curious as to what we talked about, but I'm not going to betray her trust by putting her personal shit on here. I only do that with my own shit. I learned a lot about her and to be honest it was the first time I had connected with someone my own age in a long time. She's honestly one of the few people that I would genuinely call a generous and nice person anymore.

The poor pup. The dog was so sick. No matter how many time Sam took him out he still looked horrid and wouldn't eat or drink anything. By the time we got so angry at the DVD that we decided to just talk the dog was gagging up blood and the mother was in a frenzy. I felt bad. I kind of like this dog.

I told Sam a lot of things she didn't know about me. I told her about the PCOS, my fears of Jon and I, just how scary it is for how much I care about him, my mother and her illness, almost everything. I'm an open person, don't get me wrong, I think hoarding information from people just causes problems in the end, but I don't normally load people up with all my issues. It felt better that she did the same though, so it didn't really feel like a therapy session.

Sam and I somehow got onto the topic of George Luz again and I was texting Jon. Jon apparently knew a soldier named Luz. He didn't know him too well, because they had only trained together for a few days, but he did hear about him from time to time. Apparently the kid's girlfriend went with her Mom to work one day and it just happened to be 9/11. They both died in the tragic accident spurring him into an army frenzy. He joined and last year his father had a heart attack. Sam, seeing that he had no one to write to him, flipped out and wrote him a letter. Actually, it was about twenty, but she crumpled the first nineteen up. Jon agreed that if I was to give it to him he would send it. I don't think I had ever seen Sam as happy as she was then.

We fell asleep early at about midnight on account of me being doped up on Benedryl. I slept face up, to avoid any dog hair and slept pretty comfortably. That is, for a few hours at least. Sam shook my leg harshly and I jolted up.

"We need to move upstairs." she said

"Why?" I mumbled

"The dog died."

I got up, grabbed all my bags, and didn't look over into the corner. I went up about three flights of stairs and into Sam's room. Sam's room is in the attic. It has low ceilings which were plastered with posters of friends and stars. Her walls were bright pink and her floor laid flat on the ground. Personally, I liked it. It was bigger than my room, but that's not saying much because I practically live in a closet.

"What's going on, Sam?" Corey, her twin, came in rubbing his eye.

"Don't worry about it. Got to bed."

"No. What's wrong?"

"The dog died." she said, closing the door.

I don't know why, but I had this undying urge to just call Jon. So I did. I dialed his number as my back hit the bed.

"Hello?" his groggy voice came through the receptor

"Hey, baby." I said with a smile.

"I love you, but do you know what freaking time it is?"

"Oh, trust me, I know. I know better than you do."

"I thought you were my officer calling me."

"I'm sorry."

"What did you need?"

"Nothing."

"...Can I go back to bed then?"

"Sure."

"I miss you. Goodnight."

"I miss you too. Sleep well."

After popping a few more benedryl, taking the cat hair infested covers off the bed, and saying goodnight to Sam all over again I fell asleep. And the next time I had woken up it was morning. The sun was pouring in and Sam was already walking around the room. We decided to go downstairs where we searched the internet and went on facebook.

This is going to sound creepy, I know it is, but... I kind of found dirt on Jon through facebook. I added another manager to my friends list and he had pictures from years ago. There, was Jon and his ex-girlfriend Amber. A bubbly bleach blond bimbo dressed as a slutty school girl at a Halloween party. I will openly admit, I get jealous. But to see him with this girl didn't make me jealous, it made me angry. How the hell does he progress from that to this?

I investigated. Her name is Amber. They went out for four years. Her Daddy bought her way into law school, but she dropped out and became a bartender. At the age of 26 she went back to law school, this time paying her way all the way through. Now she works in a law firm as the girl who goes to get coffees, but makes big bucks for it. Her aspirations were to be on playboy and she likes boys who "like to party".

I, at the age of 16, know exactly where I am going in my life and am training to be a scientist. I study more than I party and the only alcohol I do enjoy drinking is champagne and rum and coke. I'm working my ass off so that I can go to college and am making shit pay. I despise people who are dumb enough to do drugs because I know how my sister came out. I worry more about my family then I do about myself and I enjoy guys who can hold a decent conversation. Therefore, we are complete and total opposites.

But anyway... before I get any more pissed off, on to better subjects. We made pancakes. They were good and as I sat across from Corey I found it odd how I couldn't remember ever seeing him at school. He was in carpentry, so I can see why I haven't ever seen him around during shop weeks, but I can't even remember passing him in between academic classes. I don't know. Maybe I just don't pay enough attention. Anna and my plans got canceled so I started to look for other things to do. Jon was dying to go out, but was kind of angry I ate pancakes. He wanted to get waffles. That boy is crazy.

I ended up going home and getting ready. Jon and I had agreed to go see a movie. He picked me up at the perfect time to go see _The Tourist. _For those of you who might see this movie and don't want to know about the ending or just hate spoilers in general, skip the next paragraph.

It starred Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Angelina Jolie was a classy French woman who had fallen in love with an Englishman who had stolen millions of dollars from a local gangster. In the end, Johnny Depp ended up being the guy she fell in love with. Just another sappy movie with pretty bad action scenes.

"She's pretty, but in a fake way."

Some times I wish he would just shut up. All I could think about was him and Amber now that he said the word fake.

"I don't know. I think that if she deflated her lips just a little it would be just fine."

"I guess."

We were sitting on his couch and talking. He held my hand. I still got tingles. I loved the little innocent things he does. The unconscious rubbing of his thumb across my hand, the simple flickers of a smile I get when I say something stupid, the humming he does without even caring who's around. I wish everything could make him seem innocent. Then maybe the world would be able to accept us.

"I miss you." I said out loud.

He smiled at me "I'm right here."

That's when I realized something. I didn't just love Jon, I needed him. I craved him when he wasn't around me and took all of him when he was near. I ripple of fear came through my spine and I can say I was genuinely in fear. I've never been dependant on anyone in my life before, even as a child. I've never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Jon. I never thought about someone as much as I thought about him. I was loving every minute of him without seeing how much I was getting myself into trouble. I know and knew that some day he is going to wake up and realize I'm not the one he wants. And now when that day comes because of my reckless loving I will be broken hearted.


End file.
